losing my mind
monday, march 20, 2006

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i swear, i do not know where my brain is at lately. there's only so much that being forgetful will cover, and missing 2 subbing days is going a little over the line.

yep, i just "forgot" that i'm supposed to be working for the second time in a month. i've also "forgotten" to take my heart med in the evenings a few times of late. it's like my brain is occasionally taking a vacation without telling me about it.

and the more that i think about it, the more it bothers me. i am one of the most responsible people i know, and i hate letting people down. and i'm not that old.

i need to move on and try to enjoy the extra time i have for writing, but i just know this is going to be on my mind the whole day and spoil it. i'm weird that way. :P

i have told hubby to make sure that i look at my calendar the night before from now on. once is a fluke. twice, well, twice is bad. hopefully between the two of us it won't happen again and we can all just look back at the last month as something totally weird and out of character for whatever reason.

it's possible there were/are health issues involved. i did just finish my cycle, which always wipes me out because of the iron loss--though i've never had it have quite this effect on my head. it makes me tired as all get out, and sometimes it makes me sick since my iron count drops during my period and that means my immune system isn't what it should be. my allergies appear to be finally coming back, but i haven't been stressed about it. the sonogram came back normal.

maybe i just reached my capacity to hold any more? there are a lot of things going on for us right now, so maybe my brain is just too full?

i suppose i could analyze this forever and probably still not come up with an answer, but, like i said, it'll bother me for awhile. for some reason, when i get upset at someone else for doing something like this, it blows over pretty quickly for me. i get upset, state my mind, then it's gone. usually, anyway. but when i do it, i worry the damn thing to death and kick myself for days.

what can i say? i've long since accepted that people will be and do what they'll be and do, and there's not a whole lot i can do about that. they have to want to do something about it. but when it comes to me, i'm always pushing to be my 100% best. i screw up, it bothers me in a big way.

okay, time to move it along here. it can bother me all day long, but i can't keep harping on it. it's done. and i've set into place things that will hopefully keep it from happening again.

the weekend itself was good. i managed to get quite a bit done, though not much of it was actual writing. still, my word count for last week was phenomenal. even half what i made then will make me happy this week. consistency isn't one of my strong points when it comes to my writing for some reason.

the plans for today include more of the same plus making an appointment with a doctor to check and see if i need to increase the dose on my heart meds. i seem to have adjusted to them so they no longer make me drowsy, so i think i can take a higher dose if necessary. i'm also going to try to tackle a few words on book 3. it's the one thing i've not been getting to, some of which i know has to do with where i'm at in the narrative. but i've also been pretty focused on book 1 revisions, so i'm not too upset by not working on book 3. book 1 needs to finally get done.

time to light the candle, hope my brain is back from vacation, and get started on the rest of my day.

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