it's days like this that make me realize how old i am . . . or am becoming, or something. i'm used to certain parts of my body being achy for whatever reason - i have bad knees, bad ankles, and a bad back, and my wrists occasionally act carpal tunnel on me (but no doctor has agreed that that's the problem). a lot of this explains my aversion, as well as my need for, exercise. it's hard to do things that will hurt you regardless. i like tai-chi, but the pain isn't really worth it. and the habit not so easy to get into. but today, it's more than the usual. both wrists hurt, which has happened before, but it's not a common thing. my shoulders ache, my body aches, which tells me that age is creeping up on me.

that saying "you're only as old as you think you are"? wrong, wrong, wrong. once the body starts to go, it has nothing to do with thinking.

(as an aside, i sooooooo wish i had a camera right now - vagner is sleeping on one of my many piles of writing stuff and he is just adorable! curled up on his belly, paws under his head like a pillow, mouth very slightly open. makes me want to pet the bugger, but i'll leave him sleeping all cute.)

age is in the sleep too. i used to be able to manage on 4 hours a night. not any more. now it has to be 5, and the old body much prefers 6. okay, so 8 is supposed to be the best for anybody, but my back objects to more than 6. my schedule is still a little off from working - i was actually up at 8:30 this morning! 2:30 hit last night and that was it. i had to go to sleep. i can't say i don't ever stay up past that - there have been a few nights when i've been up after 4 or 5 am, but it's less common than before.

such changes make me feel old. i don't blame my bad memory on age though - that's still the fault of me being stupid and becoming anemic and my adhd.

but now days there's this pressure to get on with my life, to get us out of the damn hole we're in and make something of myself. and there's this sense that it may never happen. i'm already too old for it. yes, really silly, i know, since older person's than i have done well for themselves. i just keep feeling like we're being frustrated at every turn.

anyway, yes, feeling very old today. hopefully i'll feel less so tomorrow. and i better feel less so by the time school starts again. permanent position or not, feeling old doesn't work when in charge of a bunch of wiggly-squiggly kiddles! at least not until they're out of the classroom and you can just sit and be exhausted from all that movement and energy for a bit. ;)

on another note, i need flea advice. flea collars have never worked well, as far as i can tell. back in cali, a formula called advantage that worked wonders. however, it's very expensive and the flea problem seems to be much bigger out here. we've picked up an alternate medication of a similar form for them, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. now we're considering an electronic flea repellent, but i am definitely wondering if the cost will be worth it. should i give the collar a shot? that's $75 for the animals we have now, and kitten will be bringing her cat, hitomi, out to stay with us while she's doing the army training thing as well. do i give up on the brand of flea medication i'm currently using and pay the extra cost for the advantage? and what about the house? the animals aren't the only ones being eaten alive!

well, time to get back to that study guide, which is making me feel really old. not only is it going slowly, but i know i studied all this stuff in college and most of it isn't looking familiar. i wasn't much impressed with the amount of literary crap i had to go through just to do the writing classes, but this should at least look familiar.

age. it sucks away the body and the mind. meh.