why is it that whenever i think things are about to start looking up, they fall apart instead?

i'm not working today. i didn't work the first 2 days back from vacation. monday is a holiday. my check isn't looking as big as it needs to be.

saxy has worked only one day since the holidays. mcat says he doesn't have anything for him to do. so now saxy is trying to find an evening job with very little luck.

this isn't looking good for the rent situation at the end of the month. i wanted this all cleared up. instead, i'm going to be at least $400 short, and there's no way to cover it unless saxy works or i get additional days, or something. granted, that's for 2 months (this month and next), but still . . . i wanted this part of the financial mess solved by the beginning of next month and it won't be at this rate.

which also means there's no money for the praxis and it's becoming more and more obvious to me that i really need to take those tests and get the provisional certificate. it's the only way we'll survive.

actually, i can't say that. i can cover one month's rent on my own, even this month. it's the "catching up" after being behind for so long that's killing us. really, on paper, things should be doing better. in reality i feel like the only thing that got better was the neighborhood. yes, that's a big thing, but we're still financially on the brink and it's just too frustrating for words for me sometimes.

and it doesn't help that it feels like mcat is being avoidant. for a man who has given us an incredible amount of help, he's also managed to inspire a lot of mistrust. he probably doesn't have any work for saxy, but i can't help wondering if there's something else going on there. maybe it's the marriage problems, wither because he's struggling with them emotionally or because he's hoping minimizing contact with us will help save it. or maybe he's not as okay with saxy working for someone else in addition to him as he says he is.

and it doesn't help that we'll be hit with 3 new monthly payments starting next month. my school loans, saxy's school loans, and the car insurance start either next month or the following month. unless we get the whole job situation better squared away, we'll be back to robbing peter to pay paul. and i really don't think we'll qualify for deferments any more.

i need that praxis. saxy needs an evening job.

and neither look like they're happening any time soon.

with this mood, maybe i should just go back to bed or something. sigh.

god, i hope i'm in a better mood by this evening. there's a free collective soul appearance at a "local" mall tonight and i really don't want to be feeling this way when we go. money may be not good right now, but collective soul is always good.