no, nothing has changed over the past couple of days, and i'm still resisting writing to oprah or begging for help from an aunt of mine, but things look like they might, might be okay eventually. the trick will be to keep us from being disconnected anywhere until everything is caught up. once we're caught up things will be easier since there won't be any remainder of the various $1250 we had to pay in utility deposits left. i'm almost there, just got to hang on a little longer.

the electric company is always going to be the biggest problem, at least during a/c months. the gas company will probably take over as winter comes, but i think i'll just try to get everyone to bundle up a little more and try to keep that bill as down as i can make it without us freezing to death. the phone bill looked like it was going to be a major issue too, especially with the dsl attached to it, but i removed all our extras and cut it by $30. that will cut the bill to just under $100 and i may be able to reduce that even more by adjusting the dsl services. we'll see how much it costs over the next month or two, then i'll decide. the trash company is caught up and i should be able to keep that caught up easily. which leaves the dish, the water/sewage, and the credit card as the last to get dealt with. i'm waiting for the hate mail on the water bill as i've been trying to keep everything else up first. as for the dish, we're removing the movie channels until things are caught up. it would seriously be cheaper to rent or buy what we're interested in seeing, especially since we're not watching the movie channels all that much at the moment. unfortunately, the credit card is just going to have to be a disaster for a bit. maybe if i sell one of my stories for more than $10 i can do something, but otherwise it's just going to have to wait until the actual living expenses are less overwhelming.

it's still going to take a month or two to get everything manageable. by then i hope to have that subbing job, though that might be hoping too much. regardless, i'm trying to keep in touch with everyone and keep making new payment arrangements. that seems to be the biggest key out here. and you can kinda keep pushing dates as long as you make a payment every month. at least i haven't been told it's impossible to delay a few weeks yet, and i usually get something in in the time frame they want. maybe not the whole thing, but usually at least $50.

part of the problem is that i was stupid and listened to mcat and made no payments at all the first month and a half we were here. i'm not saying we'd be completely okay if i hadn't done that, but we'd probably not be as deeply sunk as we are now. the little extras we had on the phone and the dish services haven't helped either. with the extras taken off the dish, my $50 payments will actually make a dent in the past due.

which makes me wonder if i even bother trying to think about these things sometimes.

i honestly wish that i could control my panic reflex better. it's not that i'm stupid, i'm actually pretty smart and score pretty well on i.q. tests (i'm not mensa, but in the upper area of above average, usually). and it's not like i don't try to come up with solutions, i just always seem to pick the wrong ones. so maybe i have judgment call problems? that would suck. can i blame it on the adhd, anemia, and hormonal issues associated with menopause for my lack of thinking skills lately? i don't think i've always been this way, though i will admit that any control i have on money (such as it is) has been very hard earned and came mostly after the kids were born. i didn't get much training in money management as a kid - which is one of the reasons it bums me out that i have no way to give that kind of training/experience to my kids. but i guess nothing can teach you about money like poverty? not that being poor has been 100% successful with me, but it definitely has made me more aware and responsible overall.

my biggest downfalls are books, music, paper and ink for my writing, and my husband. there's just something about wanting to make him happy that can completely tank my financial plans in a heartbeat. and it's not his fault, though he has had to learn not to sound so . . . "can i have it please?" when he's talking about something he wants. i went through a period of being very frustrated because he'd mention wanting something and i'd feel like he was asking for it and feel bad that i couldn't get it for him. it's gotten better since we talked about it, probably more because he's made it clear that he isn't always asking, so i'm able to react differently.

anyway, maybe it's because i'm not feeling so sick today. or maybe it's the little payments i made today. course, it could also be that my hormones are being less whacked than usual of late. or that we are feeling settled and more than the money is looking better these days (like, for example, my son's progress). regardless of the reasons, it's nice to feel a little hope again. i'm not holding my breath we'll be above the poverty scale any time soon, but we'll be back to "getting by." and while i would like to do a little better than just "getting by," getting by can be good enough for now.