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wednesday, october 13, 2004

. ? 100 Things # .

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it's got to be the menopause. at least i hope it is.

after my rant yesterday, things only got worse. i rarely feel out of control or out of touch with myself, but i was definitely feeling both yesterday. i started stressing over the phone, then getting depressed. i cried several times. i was fortunate that it didn't hit rock bottom for me, but i was definitely way off. even solving the phone problem didn't help - i only felt worse (it was my fault with the phone). it got to the point where i just wanted my husband home because i was seriously feeling incapable of dealing with anything. there was a sense of . . . powerlessness like i've never really felt before. i mean, i really got sucked up into something i can't even really explain. it was more than just being emotional. it was like . . . being lost and not being able to find your way back. even that doesn't quite express it right, because that sounds like depression and this was more than that. it was just a whole lot of stuff at once that got triggered and went roaring out of control in a dozen different directions and became totally overwhelming.

not even the books a friend sent to me as a birthday present helped for long. i mean i was all excited when i got them, and thanked her, but my emotions were quite rocky and started spiraling downward soon after.

this is just not normal for me. yes, there are days when i've gotten depressed, and times when i've gotten so angry that i've become an emotional basket case (actually, i can only think of one time that happened), but nothing like this. and it scares me.

it's just not me. and i'm afraid that it's my mother.

and i sooooo seriously hope it's just hormonal bs associated with the menopause.

there's no paranoid thoughts, so that's good. i can only hope there never will be. that i'll never fall to the same disease she has. i mean, come on, i've been at poverty level pretty much since i was 13, i have my own physical issues already, i have a disabled son and a daughter with adhd, and i'm starting my life over at the age of freaking 41. isn't this enough? i do not need anything else. people say what doesn't break you makes you stronger. well, i'm strong enough now, thank you very much. i don't need to start losing my mind too.

my little meeting didn't pan out last night either. but i don't know if that's because no one else showed, i was a little 'late' because i got . . . ummm . . . lost in the store, or because none of us had a clue who each other was. lol. fortunately, i seemed to finally be starting to bounce back a little by then. i was disappointed, but it didn't make my mood any worse. and i did get something out of it . . .

i visited the biggest damn bookstore i'd ever seen in my life. lol. seriously, this barnes & noble could have been a freaking library! well, okay, a mini-library. i wandered the sff aisle for 45 minutes looking for just one book to buy to pass the time since i was there early (which, of course made me late, because i wasn't that early). and it had a cafe! and reading areas! i've heard of stores like these, but i've never seen one. heck, they even sell lady godiva's chocolates! (i was good and didn't buy any.) i was seriously blown away by the place.

it felt like the time i went into a (small) waldenbooks after 18 grueling months of college classes where i didn't buy a single book just for the pleasure of reading and realized i could buy any book i wanted. i literally stood in front of the sff section, without moving, for about 15 minutes. i'm sure the other customers thought i was nuts to be just standing there and staring.

somehow that bookstore finally helped even out my emotional state even though the meetup didn't happen. and may i not experience anything even close to that for a very long time to come. it was frightening to feel myself slipping like that, which probably only made the whole thing that much worse. but i'm feeling better now. not 100% up to par, but i am sick.

as for the barnes & noble, i've decided that, for the moment, i'm only allowed in the local b&n at the monthly meetups. just too much temptation there. lots and lots and lots of temptation. avoidance is definitely best in this case.

site of the moment:
hiiragizawa {dot} net

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
virtually enhanced
word of the moment: definitive

serving to supply a final answer, solution, or evaluation and to end an unsettled unresolved condition; fixed and unalterable in opinion or judgment; most authoritative, reliable, and complete usually with the implication of final and perfected completeness or precision -- used of research, scholarship, or criticism especially of a biographical or historical study or of a text or edition of a literary work or author; serving to define or specify precisely; distinguishing; exact, express, and clearly defined; real, actual, and positive; definite; complete; fully developed; final; issued as a regular stamp for the country or territory in which it is to be used


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