i am just not in a happy mood today. in fact, i am downright irritated. a lot of this has to do with being sick today, but some of it is build up from annoyances, big and small, over the last few weeks - maybe even longer. and a huge chunk has to do with the dog going back to barking her fool head off again, which is pissing me off. when i'm sick, i seriously lack patience and tolerance, especially when that sickness is combined with one of my headaches.

right now, at the top of my annoyances are mcat and mjay. apparently mjay is beginning to really bitch about the money we owe them. forget we've only been here 3 months and can barely make it right now. forget that i still haven't heard from the county about subbing (and only just sent what i had to replace my missing transcripts last week). she wants $100 a month starting this month. i can barely pay $100 a month to my freaking utilities, but to keep the damn peace i told saxy to have mcat take $100 out of his next check. and, yea, i know they've done a lot for us - moving us, 2 cars, a job for saxy - but, this was their choice. to expect us to be able to pay anything back with only one person employed and earning less than $1600/month and bills so far equaling at least that (without food) is completely unreasonable to me.

and i do know this entry is only going to piss her off and have her bitching at mcat about how freaking ungrateful we are (which is seriously far from the truth, but, hey, whatever), but this is my journal and i am in a pretty foul mood today, and i'm going to write what i want. she doesn't like it, she can stop reading.

then there's mcat's condescending manner and control freak attitude. he bitches at me when i make a mistake, telling me i can't take any additional fees or whatever. like i don't know this? like it's even his damn business? he tries to hide it all under the 'i'm only saying this because i care' bullshit, but i know that that's exactly what it is, bullshit. he apparently told my husband that he got the jetta to see how independent he can be. wtf is that? just because we didn't have a car and saxy needed a lift to work, he's not independent? it just means he doesn't have a car! if they had a better bus system around here, saxy would use that. yes, i'm highly offended over this. and then there's his money advice. if i don't advice from our mother, i certainly don't need it from him. i've managed to keep this family treading water on next to nothing for a long time now, i can do it for however long is necessary without his 'advice.' i don't need a father, i want a brother, and to me there's a distinct difference. parents butt their noses in unasked, siblings should not. siblings should wait until asked for advice. especially siblings you haven't seen in years and have other issues that need to be dealt with first.

add to this his apparent belief that everyone needs to act and believe the way he does and i'm finding my brother to be a bit more abrasive than i expected. and the way he bullshits people! the man has adhd but says that a doctor told him that drugs would not help him because it's not chemical. excuse me? then you don't have adhd and are being hyperactive, distracted, and forgetful because you don't want to change. i'd accept the honest truth that he just doesn't want meds and would rather be out of control before that b.s. he's told my husband he doesn't want to deal with me when it comes to the money or the paychecks, even though saxy told him he should deal with me because i manage the money in the family. this is just the tip of the iceberg. he told me he just wants people to be honest with him, yet he apparently consistently fails to be honest with others.

hell, from what he's said, maybe mjay isn't bitching about the money at all. he's used her as an excuse for things before. from what saxy has told me, they are in trouble, which doesn't surprise me at all. mcat is king of his castle and, in my opinion, often disrespectful of mjay. he's a workaholic. apparently they don't talk much and, from what he's said to saxy, mcat can't seem to understand men who have such close, open relationships with their wives.

god, what a rant. to think this all came from my phone being dead. and being sick - being sick always annoys me. yes, it's been building up for a bit now, but what a silly thing to lose it over. i was planning to call the district today to find out if what i sent them was acceptable for now - quite obviously we need the money with someone bitching about the money spent on us. it doesn't even matter who. hell, we need the extra income even if no one was bitching.

i'm coming down with a cold or something, i'm being eaten alive by mosquitos again, something in this house is setting off my asthma lately, and i'm still waiting to hear on this damn subbing job a month later. no wonder i'm annoyed and easily irritated right now. and the dog barking her fool head off didn't help any.

yea, like this is going to help the situation any. but one of the reasons i have this journal is so i can vent. so i can let out my feelings, good and bad, on the circumstances of my life. so i can explore who i am, make sense of the things going on in my life, and so on. it's my space. it's my thoughts. i've debated the whole password protection thing and have decided against it again and again. which means i have to deal with whatever consequences that come from my posts here.

but that doesn't mean i have to like it.

i just hope i feel at least emotionally better, if not physically better, before i go out to my first bookcrossing.com meetup tonight. i can finally get out of the house and meet people. i want to take advantage of that, but i'd much rather be in a good mood when i do.