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saturday, september 18, 2004

. ? 100 Things # .

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i'm feeling a little lost. ok, a lot lost. depressed. like . . . it will never get better for us, only worse. i'm sure that's an exaggeration. i mean, we are in a better place physically - no gangs, no drugs, no shootings every night. the kids are in good schools, taz is adjusting and doing so well. the only one who seems to be having any real problems more than usual is froggy. so, yea, we're doing better in a lot of ways. but the financial end of things is turning nightmarish in a bigger way. at least it seems like it. and it feels like it's all my fault. i moved us out here. i told saxy you can come or not, but we're going to go. jobs. there are jobs here. but there are also higher bills and i'm drowning as i try to get a handle on everything.

saxy and i are fighting about him and work. all we can do for me is wait for that card that says i'm hired to sub. and for a car. and if we don't get either, we're screwed. well, if i don't get the subbing job but do get the car, i'll have to hunt for a job - any job, and i probably won't find anything that will allow me to take time off when my son needs it. but without a car, it just doesn't matter.

a car is a way bigger issue out here than it was in cali. cali didn't have jobs, but it had a bus system. get me hired and i could get to work. out here there are jobs, but the bus system sucks rocks. so even if i get a job, without a car i might as well not have one. and i'm starting to feel like the move was pointless. no matter where i am right now i can't seem to get a job, but at least in cali living was ultimately cheaper for us because everything was income sensitive or didn't cost as much for whatever reason or i didn't have to deal with (new utility costs: garbage and water).

saxy's job isn't covering the living expenses. it would if he were getting a full 40 hours all the time, just barely, but it would. but he isn't. and he misses days. it's not always his fault he misses days, and i know that, mcat says he'll pick saxy up and then forgets. but then saxy gets upset about having to call him when he's been missed - it seems pointless to him. so we're fighting. i feel like maybe he doesn't want to work as much as he claims he does. maybe it's working with my brother that's doing it. saxy thrives on a regular schedule. mcat doesn't have a regular schedule and couldn't find one to save his life right now. part of that is the business, part of that is the adhd that he refuses to get medication for. i understand that too. my experience with wellbutrin sucked, but now there are so many different kinds of meds that there's really no excuse for not giving it another shot and seeing if medication will help.

i keep hoping these moods are related to the probable menopause. or the move, in the sense that any move is stressful and whatnot. i hoping they'll go away. so far they only get worse. i want to cry because i'm so lost. i feel like i can't find solutions anymore. and now it's spilling over to saxy. and probably the kids.

i know i'm right that saxy needs to find a way to approach mcat. if he's slated to work with mcat, he needs to call a half an hour before mcat is supposed to pick him up and remind him. to not call and then bitch that he's been forgotten again and it's pointless to call him doesn't do anything except drive me up the wall. if there's a problem, fix it for christ's sake, don't just let it go on and on and on add nauseum. show you want to work and find a solution, any solution.

saxy's solution was to look for another job, but like we can transport him to a different job any more than we can transport me right now. and, really, this isn't something we should be fighting over but working on together. and it's my fault he's stuck here instead of in cali with his family.

you know, here it is a nice day and all i can do is see the clouds over us. all i want to do is cry.

it just shouldn't be this way any more. i know life isn't fair. it hasn't been "fair" for us for a long time. and all i can do is feel like a failure, like i shouldn't even bother trying any more.

i know it'll get better, or that i'll feel better and manage things better, or something. that i won't feel this way forever. but right now the sun is shining everywhere but on me. all i see right now are clouds.

god, i'm pathetic.

site of the moment:

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
ladies of the lake
word of the moment: iridescent

having a gleaming or glittering quality; showing colors like those of the rainbow especially in shifting patterns of hues and shades that vary with a change of light or point of view; nacreous, opalescent, brilliant, flashing; for a fabric - having shifting or changeable colors


Since July 9, 2000

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