so, i freaked for a bit and i'm fine now. sorta. let's just say i'm dealing with things. that's all i can do. i'm trying not to worry too much, doing what i can to get us to where we're trying to go, working on my writing in the mean time. for the most part. when my brother brought this all up (and he was the one who suggested this move, not me), he told me not to worry about the money. so, i'm going to try not to worry about the money. i just hate letting people down and that's what i feel like i'm doing, letting him down. i said i'd do something and i can't. which really shouldn't be a surprise. when you're barely making it, trying to tuck away little extra is a pretty tough thing to do. when you're barely making it and ignoring certain needs until you have to take care of them, well extra money just doesn't exist. it all goes to something. so, all we can do is our best and let the rest take care of itself. if it's meant to be, it will happen. if not, i'll do what i always do: adjust and deal with it.

it just sucks that there's a chance it won't happen. i hate this house and this neighborhood and the thought of being stuck in a state where we can't find jobs is worse than depressing. they say what doesn't break you makes you stronger, well, i should be pretty damn strong by now. i don't think i need to work on that any more.

i took me a little longer than usual to deal with the emotional fallout from the other day, but i'm finally settled down and working on other things. menopause, pms, and being tired all at once just wasn't a good combination, realizing what was going on with us financially only sent me over that edge. anyway, i'm reconstructing an old draft of my novel for my book on my novel plot building method. seems i didn't take my own advice and save it as its own draft but overwrote it with the rough draft. bad me. lol and i'll need it so i can make revisions to the class lessons and the book. in my personal process i now combine the last 2 stages, but not all people will want to do that. or they may find the notes draft valuable but not the building draft, or vice versa. anyway, so, i've been pretty focused on that and retyping the class lectures. i need to do another chapter revision of assassin's but it's probably going to wait until this weekend. yesterday i took a break from writing entirely and set up my "official" forum at alden.nu: the anduiuar. it'll probably be as quiet or quieter than the domynoes.network forums, at least for awhile. i'd say for a long while, but i have people who believe in me so much that if i say anything to the contrary they threaten to slap me. lol really, it is nice to be loved. ;)

oldest has been out of the house and with her dad for this whole week. i miss her. saxy's been moving boxes up into her room for storage, going through the closets, finding a few other things that are packable, and so on. other than saxy's new interest in the dr. phil show (which may be because of the fact that it's focusing on marriage issues, including marriages with kids from previous relationships - and that's a good thing. it shows he wants to understand how to make things better for us as a couple and as a family, which he sometimes has a tough time doing), everything's been pretty much the same as usual. generally quiet, although we're starting to hear the fireworks in preparation for the 4th already, so not a whole lot to talk about. i'm settling down and not as panicked right now, so i suppose that's the best thing.

panicking never helped any one anyway. you'd think i'd know that by now, but every now and then i just have to let myself freak out. at least i settle again pretty quickly afterwards.