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completely freaked
tuesday, may 4, 2004

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i just emailed my brother a long, rather emotional, letter finally admitting that we cannot do out part financially. i have been trying to figure out for the last few days just how i'm going to handle what i said we would handle and it's just not working. we get around $1000/month, give or take and right now there's a lot of taking. oldest is out of the house, so dad won't be paying for her child support (he is going to get asked for a raise, however. i don't do it every year and right now we really need it) and ssi just cut my son's money because of an over payment (did i know it was an over payment at the time? nooooo. later they said we were underpaid - go figure!). 1/3 of that goes to rent, another third to utilities, and the final third to food for 6 (well, 5 now) and whatever else needs to be taken care of, like the doctor bills that the ex has not paid and that i keep getting (with interest added!) and the medications that 3 of us in this family need.

i need to get at least $800 on the credit card that we won't touch between now and july. and no matter how you look at it, it isn't going to happen. and that's just for the rental car. we still need money for the trip - for food and gas and a few other things that need to go with us or be taken care of in advance. and i just don't have it. we're going to try to trim our food bill. i'm going to not pay utilities and hope we don't get cut off before we go. i'm ignoring every other bill and collection notice. but i just don't think i'm going to be able to manage this. when we don't pay one thing, something else is always waiting in the wings needing to be taken care of. we rob peter to pay paul, and vice versa.

i feel like a failure. i should have been able to manage this. i've barely kept us afloat on next to nothing but air for years. why is it failing now?

yes, i'm completely stressed out. i haven't slept. i'm in tears. and i told my brother if it were too much, if us being unable to do what we said we could made it impossible for him to help, to please let me know now. everything's just about set and i need to know if i'm still going to be stuck here.

actually, what i need is probably about $1500 and a full night's sleep.

oh, and i need to know when to put ads in the greensheet (assuming i can afford the greensheet) for the furniture we're not taking.

money, bad timing, and menopause combined with lack of sleep. wonderful combination, isn't it.

site of the moment:

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
mark my place
word of the moment: cozen

to deceive by artful wheedling or tricky dishonesty, cheat, defraud; to beguile craftily or victimize by chicanery; delude, deceive; to bring about, induce, or obtain by artful wheedling or tricky dishonesty intransitive verb; to act with artful deceit; chisel


Since July 9, 2000

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