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tuesday, february 24, 2004

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when i got them, school loans seemed a good idea. single mom with 4 kids, 1 who is multi-differently abled, no job, no time to get a job (without a car, jobs are hard to find and going to school and work on a bus . . . i NEVER would have been home, besides, my son needs me). and i was working on a degree for a field that needs people: teaching. not my first choice in jobs, but an english teacher would pay nice enough. and being a teacher has a nice advantage: you take certain jobs or teach for a cerrtain length of time (full time teaching) and some of your loans get forgiven, so to speak. so, loans, when you're so broke you can't pay attention, have a large family, and are trying to get through school as quickly as possible, seemed a pretty good deal to me.

how little did i know.

things collapsed pretty quickly after i finally got the degree. first, i needed about $200 for testing and fingerprinting and all that, and i didn't have $200. then i had someone willing to help pay the $200 and the economy collapsed. we still need teachers out here, they just can't pay for them. so now i have this degree that overqualifies me for everything except the one job i got it for - or jobs that also require 3-4 years of experience which i don't have, and i can't do that because there's no money to pay for new teachers and old teachers are being laid off, and here i am.

knowing god has a plan, i keep hoping i am where i am so i can write a book and get it published.

anyway, my loan amount is pretty high, 4 year schools do that. rack up the loan money, that is. it was a life saver at the time, but now, with me forced to defer payments every year, i wonder how much good they really did. yea, they kept me afloat when i needed them, but now the bill just keeps getting higher. if i do sell my book, the advance probably won't even cover my loans! (course, it should cover a few other things, so, at least something would be paid, if not my loans.)

i honestly don't think about this too much. things are as they are and they'll change when they change, you know? it's no so much being used to situation as just . . . dealing with it in the only way i can without getting depressed over it. that and i don't have the monthly reminder coming in telling me to pay $157 a month at the moment because of the deferment i do think about it, however, when i have to call and ask for deferment papers, like i did today.

i keep saying that one day it will be better, but sometimes i wonder if it really will be. seems like we've been here forever.

i'm ready to move on now. any time.

site of the moment:

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
word of the moment: illuminate

brightened with light; intellectually or spiritually enlightened; to enlighten spiritually or intellectually; to supply or brighten with light; to make luminous or shining; to set alight; to subject to radiation; to make clear, elucidate; to make illustrious or resplendent; to decorate (as a manuscript) with gold or silver or brilliant colors or with often elaborate designs or miniature pictures; one having or claiming unusual enlightenment


Since July 9, 2000

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