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tuesday, february 17, 2004

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the couch and i are becoming very good friends. i've been pretty much resting since thursday evening. yep, got pretty sick. slept a lot, did some critiquing, played on the ps2, did some reading. i'm doing better, but not best, so will be taking to the couch once more when i'm done here.

we got our tax money, and nothing taken from it. i've paid up most of the major utilities - i have one i still need to find a bill for so i can send them money. saxy will be off to look for a car tomorrow more than likely. these are all good things from which we hope more good things come. like a job for somebody in this house, even a small job would be nice.

i'm missing a friend who is no longer a friend by her choice and her words. she had it with me. but as much as i miss her, i know this is for the best, really. no one should make a "friend" feel like crap about themselves and she did that to me. my behavior was wrong and unacceptable to her. i was the one expected to change. and what concessions i did make were not enough. she once asked me why don't i modify my behavior for those who are uncomfortable with it. i don't even remember what i answered at the time, but now i have to say, why should i be the one expected to change? because the other person is uncomfortable? perhaps the other person needs to learn to expand their boundaries a little more instead of expecting people to adjust who they are and how they are for them. granted, there are times when a certain kind of behavior is expected - job interviews, board meetings, theaters and play houses. when it comes to those things, i try to fall within the boundaries. but, between friends, to tell someone they must change their behavior around you is . . . well, to me it is wrong because it says, "i cannot accept you as you are. you must fit into my little box or you are a bad (rude, inappropriate, wrong, place negative word of your choice here) person." i miss her, it hurts to miss her, but it is for the best. the behaviors she thought were rude most people i know have no problem with, which means the limitations were hers. i shouldn't have to feel like crap about myself because of that.

and sometimes i have to wonder how well she really tried to get to know me. she did what so many people do and read into my words what was not there. much of the pressures she thought i was putting on her were the results of her own interpretations of what i said. those who know me know i am blunt, often tactless, but i don't hide my meaning in innuendo and implication. if i have something to say, i will say it straight out. (and, yes, i know this particular ramble means the whole thing still bothers me. as i said, i miss her. but the solution was never for me to become what she wanted me to be. and perhaps her expectations of that hurts even more than not having her in my life.)

valentines was nice, despite being sick. saxy bought me a dozen roses and two coffee mug gift packages, each with a stuffed animal, balloon, and candies in addition to the coffee mug. the first is of a bear with horns, tail, and a pitchfork. the mug has a red smiley face devil, flames coming up from the bottom, and says "hot stuff!" the second came with a cow that has a heart-shaped patch on its back and the mug shows 2 cows with noses planted on each other and says "let's sMOOch!" i gave him the candies from the second one. he got his star trek technical manuals as a surprise. i wasn't even thinking valentines day, but the timing worked. ;) because of the money, we also had a nice dinner.

the kids were home for four days - president birthday holidays. because of me being sick, i didn't get to see much of them - the last thing i need is for this to bounce to one of them then come back to me. for the same reason, i've been sleeping on the couch rather than in bed with hubby. we did do our family movie night though. beyond that, to my knowledge, everything was quiet. since i was asleep more than awake i suppose someone could have done serious damage at some point, but they all paraded through last night to say goodnight. i still worry about how saxy treats kitten in particular, but i didn't wake to any screaming fights, so i guess they managed fairly well. those two may never get along. it's like they've gotten so defensive with each other that they have no idea they're being that way. and, of course, she's growing and changing, and change is the hardest thing for him to handle because of his disability.

speaking of kitten and changing, her last report card was wonderful. still struggling in math, but she brought every single other grade back up.

i knew the kid could do it.


site of the moment:
lirimaer.com

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
the sending
word of the moment: oubliette

a dungeon with an opening only at the top

 
 

Since July 9, 2000

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