nonstop and i don't mix very well. lately it has been one thing after another: doctor's appointments, new meds, 16 year olds disappearing for 6 hours, and so on. all i've wanted to do this past week is to take some down time and recharge a little.

it hasn't been happening.

monday night my oldest decided to take off for a bit on her own. it wasn't planned. she didn't call and ask. she didn't even call once she got there or to tell me she was on her way home. i try to give this kid lots of leeway: she's supposed to be home no later than 6 during the week, if she show's up at 6:30 or 7 it's no big and i don't say anything; she gets to see movies the other kids don't; if she wants to head to the mall on the weekend she, she can without a supervising adult; and so on. but disappearing until 8 pm without a phone call? no, no, no; that pushes the boundaries of acceptable. i ended up walking (remember, we have no personal vehicle and 3 other, younger kids at home) over a mile of her route to school looking for her.

i think i've mentioned before that walking is painful for me.

i know i've mentioned that we don't live in the safest neighborhood in the world. in fact far from it.

so, knowing the above, it is no surprise that this girl got herself in some serious trouble and ended up with all her end of the year stuff canceled. dad has been picking her up right after school and bringing her straight home. her end of the year party got canceled. and no phone calls, internet, or going anywhere for a month. the girl is is sooooo grounded. the only exception is to attempt to get a harry potter book on saturday morning (attempt being the operative word: we didn't preorder). all things considered, i don't make my rules arbitrarily if someone snags my daughter, i need to know where she's supposed to be so the police know where to start looking. we don't let our kids out after dark, we don't let them associate with the kids around here, and we want to know where they're at at all times. it's to protect them. this has been explained.

and i've been paying for that little walk. i have a writing class for dreaming that got canceled because between the actual lost time looking and the resulting pain for the next couple of days i wasn't able to finish the lecture. forget about recharging, i just wanted to stop hurting.

add to this various and sundry little things - trying to move my .net domain and being held hostage by the old host, the annual inspection for the apartment (during which we had to hide our illegal kitten, vagner), and my saxy's vacation starting (don't get me wrong, i love hubby, but hubby at home is disruptive to my writing schedule) - and you can see that getting a break long enough to recharge has been out of the question. hell, i'm having trouble just trying to write. worse, i haven't been much in the mood to write in any of my journals lately: i'm just too tired, cranky, and drained.

all i want is a few days of just . . . nothing. of doing what i want to do rather than what i have to do or having to deal with yet another crises or appointment or something, like i said in my last entry, all i want is a little space. just some time to chill and do my own thing. a vacation from life for a few days. unfortunately, that doesn't look like it's happening any time soon. the oldest is now out of school and sulking because she seriously f'd up her end of the year plans, hubby's home, the younger kids are all getting off for a few days next week, the two younger girls can't stop fighting to sace their lives for some reason, and i'm trying to deal with my son's newest problems at school. a break just doesn't seem to be in the cards at the moment.

nope, no recharging happening here.