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spaced out
wednesday, june 11, 2003

i've kind of needed some space over the last few days. i've actually needed some space for, probably, the last week or so, and, for some reason, the weekend just wasn't enough.

last monday i finally started on my adhd meds again. i should have started them earlier but first the doctor had no may appointments, then canceled my first june appointment, and, finally, canceled today's appointment. the office kept trying to schedule me for the end of the month, the 30th. with the way it was going, i'm pretty sure that appointment would have been canceled too. i finally got fed up with trying to see her and asked to just have the prescription refilled. i've been off my meds for about a year now and i'd rather just start taking what i was on a year ago than wait until the doctor actually decides to be in the office to see if she wants me to try a new medication, particularly since the old one did just fine. new medications come out all the time and i thought she may want to switch me to something with less addictive qualities than adderall (which is, basically, speed). i may need a stimulant to get my brain to slow down enough for me to be able to focus longer than ten seconds, but even i want that stimulant to be the safest possible. it's not that i get zippy or high of the stuff, the adhd brain doesn't work that way. but it is still an addictive drug and i'd rather not be junkie, thank you very much. a walking pharmacy, maybe. a junkie? let's not go there.

okay, so i'm not happy about being a walking pharmacy either, but it's not like i have much choice at the moment. at least the vitamins are outnumbering the actual drugs now.

so i started the adderall last week and immediately realized the side affects were just a little different than the last time. i think maybe the wellbutrin i was on before the adderall buffered the effects when i switched. or maybe it was that i started off on one pill three times a day and eventually was taking 2 in the a.m., 2 at lunch, and 1 at night but this time dived right into the higher doses. i'm not sure what the deal was, but i definitely needed some time to adjust and wasn't getting much space to do so. it's been almost nonstop running around since. i finally took a day off of running around yesterday, despite needing to go grocery shopping and with two college transcripts still waiting to be sent to antioch. the peace and quiet of the weekend didn't help much as i still had the family to deal with and the kids were nuts on saturday. during the week it's just me and froggy, and she's a pretty quiet kid when not encouraged by siblings to be otherwise.

now, add to all this chaos the mess my .net domain is becoming. it's up and down like a yo-yo. right now my mail server is down and, despite my complaints to the host, the server itself can't seem to stay up for longer than 20 or 30 minutes without becoming unreachable for another 20-30 minutes. i've found a new server and, as soon as i have email again to warn my poor hostees and as soon as my most recent credit card payment is credited, i will be moving servers because this is ridiculous. one of the side effects of the medication adjustment has been a low tolerance for frustration and extremes in emotions. try to imagine losing your controls over your emotional state and then having several days in a row where you need those emotional controls.

this monday i went to see my regular doctor and to find out the results of all the tests he ordered last month. everything looked good with one exception: my iron is extremely low again. a person is supposed to have a count of 25 or higher. mine is an 8. this was depressing news. the one thing i made sure to keep taking, even when i couldn't afford my other meds, was my iron and my centrum. every morning. so, as far as i knew, i was doing what was right, and my iron levels still dropped. everything else is cool - cholesterol, sugars, all my other counts - only one was borderline and the doctor wasn't too worried about it, the difference was that small. i don't have the ulcer bug, which is good and bad news: good news that i haven't been carrying a bug in my belly for 20 years, bad because that means we can't just get rid of the problem and have it over with as far as the ulcer is concerned. anyway, i am now taking 189 mgs of elemental iron a day for the next 4 months. after that i get checked again and we decide the next step.

after the doctor's appointment, we ran around looking for a planner. the "local" day runner store was closed and no other store offered planners at the mall that used to have the day runner store, so we had to come all the way back up and got to the local staples. i'm a bit depressed about that store. none of the stationary stores carry everything day runner, not even all the refills available, so to find what i want i have to run around all over freaking creation. not even the online day runner has everything it's supposed to. i hate the red and gray-brown pages, but the blue and white ones seem available only in stores. it's such a pain in the butt to have to search all over creation for these things. anyway, i did find a planner i liked with the space i wanted and in a nice design. i liked the inner pages too, but there's no refill numbers on those. *rolls eyes* one thing i never could understand about the day planner refills: why don't they offer them for all the page designs. i mean, if they print the herb garden design for a planner, why not have herb garden refills? it just doesn't make sense. anyway, once i finally picked up the day planner, froggy, linnorm, and i were all too wiped out to manage a major grocery trip. i picked up a few things for dinner and we came home.

so guess what i get to do today? the good news: i seem to be adjusting to the meds now and the side effects are subsiding. the bad news: i still have to get those last two college transcripts out, which means a more extended break from all the running around will have to wait. at least the doctor appointments are done, the medication picked up, and most of my errands about finished. once all the extra errands are taken care of, i can go back to just writing at home.

course, for that to work, i have to actually be writing, but we'll leave that discussion for another day.

site of the moment:

ring/clique of the moment:
word of the moment: glom / glom on to

take, steal; seize, catch / to grab hold of; appropriate to oneself


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