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sunday, june 1, 2003

so, my newest application in the quest for my m.f.a. has been sent out. friday. all that's left is the really hard part: waiting. i hate waiting. and for this, i really hate waiting. waiting gives me too much time to think about the reasons why they won't accept me: i still need more maturity as a writer, i suck as a writer, only one of the three people i contacted sent recommendation letters. all the usual insecure, pessimistic crap someone starts thinking when they've applied for something they want or need real bad. i admit it; i have the self-confidence of zero.

and, yes, i both want and need this real bad.

if i'm lucky, the governor will either finally stop cutting the education budget or actually put more money into education sometime in the next 3 years, or get voted out of office and replaced by someone who cares. doing so would allow me to sub. but even if that doesn't happen, in all honesty, middle school and high school do not look that appealing to me. most of the kids don't want to be there. then there's the fact that i live in california, and one of the more dangerous cities in california, and that kids now days take guns and knives just about everywhere with them. yea, i want to teach in a school where the gangs have taken over . . . not!

so, i'm trying to prepare for a better future. teaching college pays more and more of the students actually want to be there. a few even actually want to learn. but teaching college requires two things: a minimum of a masters degree and publication. some community colleges allow you to get away with just a b.a., but not too many anymore.

so, not only do i want this m.f.a., but i need it to get to where i want to be and do what i want to do. that puts an incredible amount of pressure on me every time i apply to a program. and that pressure only increases since i've already been rejected . . . twice. one of them didn't receive all the recommendation letters it required, the other said i needed more "preparation" as a writer. in other words, i sucked. and for all i know i still suck. yes, i've grown and my writing is better and i'm more determined, but it still may not be enough. there's one last task before the waiting begins in earnest and all the insecurities sky rocket to insane levels.

lord, i hate waiting.

next week i'll be running around and sending off transcripts. i've sent them two of my better stories, as voted on by dii. they go a bit over the number of pages they wanted, but i really had nothing close either as a single story or two stories together. so i sent them the closest i could. one of the stories is mainstream, the other fantasy. i also had to send them an essay. i hate essays. i seriously hate them. never received less than a b on one (and that one was for straying off topic), but i hate writing them. as soon as the transcripts are ordered, i will have done all i can do except wait.

have i mentioned i hate waiting?

site of the moment:

ring/clique of the moment:
word of the moment: glom / glom on to

take, steal; seize, catch / to grab hold of; appropriate to oneself


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