expressions: the roller coaster
friday, december 20, 2002

the storm hasn't arrived just yet, but my head is already starting to feel it - slight pounding with a funny throb between the ears. i think this one is promising to be a doozy. sigh. at any rate, before i get completely incapacitated, i thought i would take a look at the highs and lows of the past year. so, here they are by month, downs listed first because i'd much rather end on the positive.

january
low: the government's tendency to be late even with financial aid payments. it's not like i really had to go to school or anything. high: feeling so connected with saxy again. we're doing very well as a couple. there's still some issues as a family, but it is definitely better than it was before.

february
low: winter quarter with 2 professors bent on making their students nuts. as a result, only one whysper entry for the month. now that's depressing. high: my approaches to imaginative writing class was a blast. and i got more out of it than any of the others.

march
low: the extremely high cost of glasses. geeze! high: i survived the killer quarter and dreaming in ink finally opened. unlike the old twc, it has survived it's first year, at least so far (no signs of it going belly up yet!).

april
low: i opened the month by forgetting to pay the rent for the first time ever. high: the ex managed to help us out on the rent. we still have a roof over our heads. we also discovered why saxy has had such a problem with school. this is very good, trust me.

may
low: i received a letter from one of the m.f.a. programs i applied to and it turned out that the 4 profs who promised me recommendation letters never wrote them despite being reminded of them frequently. high: my oldest moved back in after living with her dad for a few months. i missed my girl.

june
low: the bomb threat at the university. that was interesting . . . NOT. high: i finished all but 2 papers and am officially out of classes. by the end of the month i no longer felt quite so burned out and my writing creativity was overflowing.

july
low: my cgi-bin on my old server suffered a complete meltdown. it kind of fit in with the 101f weather we were getting really nicely. high: the ex saved me again and helped with the payment for the cbest.

august
low: temps went up to 105 and we spent the month on hold while we waited for just about everything to come through - a lot of which never made it, including getting the whole subbing thing worked out. then there was the disastrous fight with someone i cared for deeply. high: a tough month that forced me to look at myself more deeply once more. i defined who i am again and decided that i still liked me despite the problems that being me can produce. once again, being myself fully, even though it hurts sometimes, and being honest, even though it causes relationships to crash and burn sometimes, beat out being anything else.

september
low: fighting a nasty depression and stress and money pressures weren't helping. high: i held onto my dreams despite it all.

october
low: does getting too old count as a down? my iron levels were definitely crashing. stupid me didn't pay attention to the signs. high: we got gypsy, a sweet tempered australian shepherd. she's proving to be the perfect dog to be my son's assistance animal.

november
low: my nano novel was killed by my laptop, my iron levels crashed, and what was left of a valued friendship crashed and burned with the fault of it all eventually laid at my feet. high: beyond the words is finally back online. i also got back on my iron and rediscovered everything i am thankful for - even the relationships that crash and burn. it's all a matter of perspective.

december
low: my season hit: illness and storm headaches are making their presences known. high: we're having something of a christmas after all, complete with gifts, courtesy of saxy's folks.

when this year started, i thought school was the worst that could be thrown at me. obviously the really hard stuff came later, particularly in the last 2 or 3 months. but i've found "my space" again, the place where i am content despite the storms in my life. it's a hard place to find and a harder place to stay in, it seems, but i'm there. despite it all, i'd like to think i came out a better person, that i've i've learned a lot, and i am much stronger for it all.

i'm still in my good place and i know we'll be just fine.