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tuesday, november 26, 2002

once again i was stupid. i went back again this a.m. to read the friend's journal and she wants me to shut down her domain. i'm downloading everything, all the files, but then i'll just leave it be. the domain has at least 6 months on the server and a little less for the registration to expire. i haven't decided yet if i'll keep up the registration for her or not, but there's no point in really shutting down the site until the hosting runs out. who knows, we may speak again someday, she may want it back - if not the domain itself, then the files for the domain. even if i let the domain go, she might be able to reregister it herself.

in a way it's probably silly for me to do this, she's taken me off her messengers, she hasn't emailed me about it, she's essentially cutting me out of her life. but i am one of those strange people who always hopes things will get better some day. in this case, that may be hoping for too much, but one never knows. and i know a lot of this is reaction. she was doing the same thing i was - checking my journal, and she reacted to what i was writing. such are the perils of online journaling, and one of the reasons i no longer mention names. yes, she knows who she is, but not many others who read whysper do.

some would say that i shouldn't have talked about it in my online journal. well, my online journal is the only journal i have. i never could get the knack of a paper journal for a lot of reasons i won't go into here. this is my journal, my space, and i will not censor myself. it's my place to express my feelings and thoughts, and there's no point to it if i decide to be cautious in those expressions because of who may be reading.

perhaps she's right, maybe we should have talked about it, but personally i'm not sure it would have helped. when we tried to talk about the blow up before, she didn't hear me. what would have made the difference now? talking only works when you hear what the person is actually saying. it never works when you twist what they say to something it's not.

at any rate, as i said before, the differences seemed to have become the focus in this relationship. relationships need to focus on the similarities. they don't survive too well when all you can talk about is how you do things differently. that doesn't mean they can't survive differences; it's the differences that make things interesting. it just means that too much of a focus on those differences can, and usually does, kill a relationship.

i could get all angry about this and rant about how she expected me to accept her and her feelings and what she said at face value when she didn't do the same for me, but what's the point? in my experience, this is what most people do anyway. you can rant about what is generally normal behavior, but it doesn't really do a whole heck of a lot, except maybe release some steam that's only going to build back up when it happens again. the best thing to do is to accept that it's just a part of life and move on.

the thing is, i don't feel the pain i was expecting. i feel more numb. i knew something like this was coming. when someone keeps pulling back, what else can you expect? maybe all that pulling back just helped us both prepare for the time when we would no longer be in each other's lives.

no, i don't feel the pain i expected, or even pain i didn't expect. all i feel is sad.

site of the moment:
ring of the moment:
word of the moment: alter

to make different without changing into something else; castrate, spay; to become different