meanderings
sunday, november 24, 2002


taking my iron is a good thing. now if only i keep that in mind.

yes, i feel much better and i've only been back on my iron a few days. mind you, i've been double dosing it like my doctor has told me to when it has crashed in the past, but i am enjoying the recovery. i'm not sure when i'll go back to a single dose in a day, but since i seem to have caught the drop earlier than before, hopefully not too long.

the good news is i feel much better. i'm far less tired before, i ache less than i was, and i am not nearly as depressed and moody. hopefully it will also help with the headaches and other health related issues i've been having the past few weeks or so.

sometimes it really does amaze me how big a role iron plays in our bodies.

anyway, it's nice to see my energy levels already returning to somewhat normal. hopefully my sleep schedule will also follow suite. tonight i actually managed to stay awake and catch up on some of the stuff i was sleeping through last week. and hopefully i'll stay up till a nice 2 a.m. hour (but not too much later since that also tends to really mess me up). another nice thing is my creativity and motivation seem to be returning for my writing.

why did i go off my iron in the first place?

oh yea, money.

anyway, overall there were only 2 real dampers on the day, and they don't honestly seem that bad. one has me more irritated than anything, and the other is to be expected with teenagers, i guess.

my oldest is still trying to play games with the homework and we had another "discussion" over her getting it done. she wanted to put it off to watch "smallville" and i had to remind her that she would pulled from the school if things don't change in the academics department. if she changes school, she's out of dance. period. her current school is the only one that has a dance program, but i will move her back to her home school if dance continues to be the distraction and excuse it has become over the last few years. for obvious reasons, she was quite unhappy with that news.

hey, playing the nice understanding mother who gives her enough leeway to hang herself hasn't helped. she's quite uncomfortable with having the leeway taken away. maybe that will be enough for her to get her act together. if not, then maybe dance isn't as important to her as she thinks. maybe it's only an excuse.

the other damper, the irritation, has to do with yesterday's entry. the woman involved apparently thinks that before a someone is honest with what s/he thinks s/he sees happening with a friend, the person needs to check and see how the friend feels or why the friend feels the way they do. it's like i have to ask permission to be honest and ask if i can share what i see happening before i actually share it. as far as she's concerned, i crossed the line, despite the fact that when she denied what i said was happening i backed off and said that i trusted her word on it. i understand she was hurt, and, despite her beliefs, i understand how much she was hurt - that's only been made obvious, but my verbalization of all that has been flatly ignored. she has admitted in her journal she holds back, that there are things i would rather not hear about. in all honestly, she hasn't a clue. she never bothered to hear what i had to say, she only heard what she thought i was saying, and the two are vastly different.

as i've said before, if a friendship cannot withstand honesty, even honesty that hurts, then it probably wasn't much of a friendship to begin with. strong friendships are not forged on only good feelings, and support is more than being happy for another's success. supporting another person also means pointing out things that might be harmful to someone you care about, even if the process of doing so hurts.

and it is this difference in opinions on what friendship, support, and what happened between us that is killing what's left of our relationship.

i admit i've become a bit avoidant with her of late. the whole thing with our group is a bit fresh and it seems to me she wants to keep reminding me about how well her new group is doing while the one we started together is going through a fallow period. it's probably not pay back, it just feels like it. and i didn't need her journal entry to know she's withdrawn. i can tell she picks and chooses what she talks to me about. but she's fooling herself if she thinks she's editing herself for me. she edits herself for her. if she were editing for me she wouldn't give me the harsh responses she does sometimes and wouldn't constantly mention how her group is thriving when she knows i've been concerned about the one we started together for a month or so now. she edits for herself because she doesn't want me to "notice" anything else in her behavior, or even a continuation in the behavior i commented on that started this mess. she says i don't trust her, when the reality of it all is that she doesn't trust me. or maybe she does, she just doesn't want to hear my honest reactions. she sees my concern as disapproval.

the things is, if she ever wants that open honesty, or if she ever needs anything i can provide even if she doesn't want that open honesty, i will always be there for her.

that's called loyalty.