distance
friday, november 22, 2002


ever since our blow out some time ago, there's been a distance between me and one of my net friends. it seems, even though things were supposedly "patched up," our differences are becoming more and more obvious. the relationship is becoming more and more difficult to maintain. too often now i honestly do not know how to respond to her or i feel a difference in her responses to me. the patch doesn't seem to be working. and i knew more changes would be coming.

they've finally hit. she's leaving the group we founded and run together. well, sort of together. it was my idea, she just managed to get me off my butt to actually pull it together. at any rate, i knew this was coming. she's not been happy with some of my decisions regarding the group lately. she also started another group as well, and her attentions to the membership have been completely for her new group rather than our old one - to the point that a few of our members have left and joined hers.

i admit that that sounds like sour grapes, but it's honestly a statement of fact.

this is more than a difference of management styles, although there is definitely that in play as well. but, primarily, we've been distant. i know i've been more cautious in a lot of what i say to her, which is why i often have no idea what to say. and as time goes on our differences are becoming more and more clear, and more and more of a hindrance in our relationship. this kind of, well, not so much of a focus but for lack of a better word, focus in our relationship makes it harder to work together. and since the group is volunteer, well, why should she stick around if she's uncomfortable doing it? i have to admit, i'll feel more comfortable when it comes to decisions that have to be made by the moderators of the group with her not there.

but i miss her and i'll miss her in the group itself. i wish the blow up had never happened.

but if distance is the price of honesty, then perhaps the friendship wasn't nearly as strong as i thought it was. perhaps this distance was inevitable. if a friendship requires shallowness to survive, then maybe we weren't as close as i thought we were. perhaps we've been distant all along.

but that doesn't make it hurt any less.