restless boredom
saturday, october 26, 2002


i feel restless. it's not a specific kind of restlessness, it's very vague and general. like i want to be doing something else, i'm just not sure what.

i think some of it has to do with that feminine cycle thing we women love so much (NOT!). seems i get a bit restless (and hungry) before that time every month.

and some of it may have to do with the our unchanged status so far. saxy's still waiting to be called in for training, i'm still waiting for my grade to be posted. we're broke and now have the extra financial responsibility of a dog for my son (although she seems to be working out wonderfully, as far as we can tell). i need to ask miss d about getting help with her care from dpss. apparently we can get $60/month to cover our expenses for her since she is a service dog.

i've been thinking about getting a bike and riding too. maybe i need to be doing something like that everyday - to get out of the house and feel better even if i don't lose weight. and yes, i need to lose weight. i have some videos i've though about bringing out of the closet and trying again, but i don't know. i'm not sure i'm up to them and i know i certainly won't keep up alone.

besides, i'd still be in the house all day and the bike would get me out.

maybe the burnout from classes is finally burned away and i need to get involved with some learning somewhere. i'm a weird one, i love to learn even in academic settings. i think i could easily be a professional student if i could get paid enough for it without having to pay it back. since there's a limit to how much aid a person gets, i'd settle for teaching university and taking a class on my own while i did so. i did drop a major in communications and a minor in psych just so i could get the english degree done so i could start subbing quicker (not that that's happening either, but i've covered that already) that i would like to go back and finish one day. but i also am not particularly interested in going back to the same university. as soon as saxy starts working i plan to take classes with writer's digest and eventually apply for another mfa program. maybe that will help even if i don't go out anywhere to learn.

i think getting out is part of it. writing is good, i love doing it, but sometimes i just need space. i need a break from my own home. saxy and i haven't seen a movie in months. we haven't been out to eat even longer than that. we're too broke. there's no place in my community i'm particularly interested in being involved in. we have no car and no bus faire, so i can't just go and roam the mall for awhile. and soon the rains will come and i won't want to go to the mall for awhile. i'm much like a cat, i hate wet (well, except for a nice, warm shower).

and i think my missing friend, emce, has something to do with it too. i haven't seen him online lately and he hasn't called since he moved to washington. he said he would come down and visit on weekends after a few months and he hasn't been by at all. i miss him. i bounce ideas of him a lot and he often helps me figure out how to make things work out when i can't. i'm worried about him and miss being able to talk to him. a lot.

and, just maybe, it's all in my adhd, overdriven head. or maybe it's all this stuff bound into one tangled ball. all i know is i can't seem to focus right now and i feel very restless.

and this better have nothing to do with nanowrimo.