lingering drift
monday, october 7, 2002


this has got to stop. i am depressed, and i'm sick of it. i've sort of been drifting, not really much interested in anything and sleeping way too much for my own good. i probably should be glad it's not as serious as it could be. heck, i don't actually feel depressed, which may be the most insidious kind of depression. what i feel is like i'm sort of drifting. it's not this sad, depressing, emotional thing. it's just sorta . . . there. i can't explain it.

i suppose the good news is it's not getting any worse. but the bad news is it's not getting any better. it's interfering with living and writing.

i still enjoy things. i can still engage. this is good stuff. i'm sleeping way too many hours. i'm not writing. this is bad.

i know part of the problem has been the storm pressure headaches. i just don't feel like doing anything when i have one of those. but the sleeping all the time is a bad bad sign. i know where some of it, well, a lot of it is coming from, why i'm feeling the way i'm feeling, but that doesn't help much and the issues involved won't resolve themselves any time soon as far as i can tell. i'm not suicidal over it, but i have considered pulling my presence off the net (closing all my domains except the writers group and just staying off-line for an extended period of time), but i know that's just being reactionary and certainly won't help me feel any better.

telling myself to just get the hell over it hasn't helped either. which is really annoying.

i've been thinking about pulling the old exercise tapes out and trying to get a little exercise in everyday and see if that helps my mood. problem is i hate exercise. i see it as torture.

so, i guess for now i drift. i won't take meds for it - if i can't afford my other medication i certainly can't afford something for a depression that's sure to clear up eventually. i don't usually stay down long, so the last few weeks have been very odd to me. besides, i already have to take enough medication. no need to add to the pharmacy. maybe i can just use the down time for some entertainment reading. i have a good half dozen or so novels that i haven't managed to read yet.

i just have to stay awake long enough to get through them.

two side notes:

one, i am getting hits from a site that has me on their thank you page. the woman is apparently asking for donations to help pay for her nursing school and to leave her husband. not only have i NEVER sent this woman any money, i have never ENDORSED it either. i have emailed the woman and asked why she has my site linked from her thank you page and will more than likely ask her to remove the link. i don't like people using my site as some kind of endorsement of theirs. another site concerning bdsm has my site linked off her links page and i have considered asking her to remove it as i have nothing to do with it. she's welcome to her lifestyle, but my site has nothing to do with it and shouldn't be made to look like it does.

secondly, my oldest is sick. we all know what that means. blech.