just tired me
saturday, october 5, 2002


anemia changed so much in my life. i remember the days when i had my adhd so under control i didn't even know i had it, when i could read a book in one day, when i remembered things for longer than 5 minutes, and when i didn't get sick all that easy or stay that sick all that long. anemia changed all that. it's all my own fault, really, i know that. i never really realized how important iron is to a body until i had nearly depleted mine. for someone so smart, i can be pretty damn stupid.

when i was in junior college pursuing my a.a. in early childhood studies, i was up at 5 a.m., out the door by 6:30 a.m. (without breakfast), didn't eat all day because we were broke, and not home until 10 p.m. when i hate my one real meal of the day. i took 17-14 units a semester, studied until 2 a.m. every night, and all day on weekends. i got a's, but now i know the cost was too high. it's really no surprise i began to struggle my last semester because of exhaustion.

when i graduated, i finally went to the doctor and was told my iron levels were so low i probably didn't even have much left in my bone marrow. this is where iron is produced. and i didn't have a whole heck of a lot even there. so i was put on iron supplements. it took 18 months to get me back up to stable, normal levels. then the doctor took me off to see if my body would produce on its own. it didn't. my levels crashed and this time the loss was more devastating than just being exhausted.

suddenly i couldn't stay awake at all. i got sick easy and stayed sick for extreme lengths of time. i remember my first bout of the flu after the crash. it lasted 6 weeks. for the first time ever i flunked i a test. i couldn't keep up with a 20 unit per quarter load, heck i couldn't stay awake in class!

and those feminine times of the month? forget it. i'm exhausted and sick all the time. i already don't have enough iron pumping through my body and i lose a lot of it once a month. the week before and the week of i get progressively more tired until all i want to do is sleep.

i can't think straight any more.

my memory has a life span of 5 minutes or less, no matter how important and no matter if i interacted during the exchange i need to remember or not. if i don't write it down, it's gone.

i get sick at a drop of a hat and stay sick long after most people would get well..

tired is a constant state. (the fact that i'm a year closer to 40 has nothing to do with it.)

i read much, much slower now. i'm lucky to get through a novel in a week. i can manage a novel in two days if i do nothing else. and it's not too long. and it's easy to understand.

i can still do the stuff i used to do, it just takes me longer. i don't think as fast any more. i often feel more out of control than i used to be.

i see where i am now and know where i was and think just how stupid i really was to push myself. now i understand when people say nothing is more important than your health. but it shouldn;t have taken such a vivid and permanent demonstration to get that through to me.

are you tired all the time? getting sick easier? go to your doctor and get your iron checked. they can do a pinprick type of test. if you're not anemic, good. if you are, the earlier you catch it, the less damage it can do. trust me, you do not want to be in my shoes.

i am so damn tired of being tired.