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needing positive thoughts
wednesday, october 2, 2002

i'm having a hard time keeping a positive outlook right now. i'm trying, really i am, but things just don't seem to positive at the moment. even the things that should be good don't seem to mean much.

i hate this.

i hate being broke. i hate being poor. i hate being one step away from being on the street. i hate feeling inadequate and like a failure. i hate being anemic. i hate having a weather sensitive head. i hate looking for work and being over qualified for everything except for what my degree would get me - if my degree were posted. i hate waiting.

i hate a lot of things right now.

we're going into "my season." lots of storms, which means lost of storm pressure, which means lots of pain. i guess i better find the money to go see the doctor about the possibility of migraines. not that i can afford the medication. i'm off my adderall and i can feel the difference. i hate that too. i'm off my adderall because i can't afford to refill it, or any of my other medicines. i've been waking up wheezing and i don't want to use my inhalers because i'm afraid i'll be all out when i REALLY need it. as for the vitamins i'm supposed to take, forget it. they're more expensive than the meds and not covered by insurance.

i'm tired. it could be the anemia. it could be the stress and frustration. it could be depression. it's probably all of the above. i fell old, yet i've not really done anything to feel old. maybe that's part of the problem. when i die, the only people who will care will be my close family and friends. most of my extended family wouldn't give a damn. i've done nothing noteworthy for any one else to care, and probably never will. hell, i can't even get a b.a. degree right. i'm gifted in going the wrong way and taking the hard road.

ok, so something positive: the department head is going to deal with the whole grade/papers problem for the class that's holding up my b.a. at this point i'm going to go through him since he believes, and i happen to agree, that communication between the professor and i is pointless (as the professor has made quite clear by his refusal to communicate). hopefully that means the whole degree mess will be settled soon.

that's it folks. hubby's looking for work, i'm trying to write. we're to the point that most our bills are going unpaid and we ignore the phone half the time. if the domains we pay for aren't on a server we prepaid for a year, most of them are closed (all but 2) or are being paid by other people now. i can't even rent a movie.

at this point, other people are going to have to be positive for me. i just don't have the energy to do it myself. i'm going to go lay down for a bit. storm moving in. and if you've been reading whysper for any length of time, you know what that means. for those who haven't been reading whysper, sorry for the depressing intro and storms - pain. lots of it.

site of the moment:
ring of the moment:
in character
word of the moment: succulent

full of juice; moist and tasty; having fleshy tissues that conserve moisture; rich in interest