mind overload
tuesday, september 17, 2002


i've got too much going on in my head. it's 3 a.m. and i'm tired but not sleepy, although i probably could get to sleep in an hour or two if i went to bed. i just hate ceiling staring for hours while i wait for the rest of me to catch on to the fact that it's time to sleep.

ok, maybe not the rest of me. just my brain.

and lately i've been into thinking overload.

for one, there's the call from the lawyer. i'm waiting for the summons or subpoena or whatever to show up on my doorstep or in my mail. since the witch hung up on me, i didn't have a chance to explain the whole reasoning for moving: so we could pay off not only the bill she was waving over my head, but also so i could pay off the rest of my bills without ending up on the street in the process. i worry about how to handle it when i get to court (note, not if i get to court, when - i doubt there's an 'if' on this thing at all). i have no money to pay now. i'm not paying my utilities one month just to get saxy out to wisconsin. i can't do this 3 or 4 months in a row to pay of her bill or any other. i can't pay $50/month. i can't even pay $10/month unless i pay only one bill at a time - something the other collectors are not going to be too happy about. and i want a house some day, so declaring bankruptcy for the second time in my life would be very bad indeed.

see how this spirals? i worry too much, then worry some more, then worry about other things. and all this worry seems to be an unstoppable force right now.

then there's the whole move to wisconsin. i honestly was fine with it until someone started giving me negative feedback. when i finally reiterated everything that went into our decision and told her that i would appreciate not hearing all the negativity, her response was, "i just have a bad feeling about this, but i'll never mention it again."

i wanted to retort in the snottiest way i could, "too late, damage done," but not only do i generally let things drop, but on the net it's hard to get the snotty tone of voice across.

unfortunately, the result is that my belief we're doing the right thing has been shaken. yea, there are more jobs out there than here, just the net search proved that, but what if he still doesn't find a job? what if we're taking a risk and will just land on our faces again? what if he does find a job, but it's not enough to get the rest of us out there?

i really wish she hadn't said anything. not like i didn't know it was a risk, it is a risk. but what's worse? risking going out there where there are jobs for the untrained and non-degreed or staying in a town with no jobs at all? i keep reminding myself that we thought this through, we looked at the facts, we searched different areas to find the best location to move to. it's just not working. my head is spinning around this move worse than ever. i haven't slept well for 3 days, and i was fine with it before she said anything.

anyone got a way to shut my brain down before it burns up? i got more important things i need to focus on than all this negative worry.

i'm going to try reading. if that doesn't work, i guess an afternoon nap will be in order later.