trying to dream
friday, september 20, 2002


the stress is still getting to me and more recent events seems to be adding to the pressure. i know we'll get through this, but it is so hard to look ahead to better times when the present seems determined to just suck. but i have to keep a positive outlook for the future. if i don't, i can't hope, i can't dream. we all need hope and dreams; they keep us sane, keep us from wanting to jump off the nearest cliff.

a lot of people have dreams of fame and fortune, wealth untold. a lot of people just dream of winning the lottery. i don't dream that big, really. fame is over rated - just look at how harassed movie stars are. and a person really only needs so much money, millions and billions seem to be overkill to me. i don't play the lottery - i have more important uses for my money.

but i do have a dream of being a reasonably successful author. i'd love to see my work in print, but i also know even if it never makes it to print i'll keep writing. i can't not write. even when i "wasn't writing" i was writing - poems to express my deepest emotions, gaming scenarios, long letters, bits and pieces of stories that never made it beyond fragmentary. the sad thing is that i don't think i will ever really get published, but i have to try. i have to do something with all these stories that won't leave me alone. they have to be told and they have to be told to as many people as are willing to read them. so i dream of my books being on the shelves and actually selling enough to keep the literary agent and publisher happy.

i dream of being able to support my family. this is not the same as being rich. i don't need millions (at least not all at once) to take care of my kids in reasonable comfort. i need to be able to afford a place to live, food in their mouths (and i mean, the 4 food groups, meeting the daily recommended daily allowances, food), clothes on their back, their medical needs taken care of, and extras like allowances, books and toys, nights out, and so on. it would be nice to have a cushion, a savings account, and college funds too. i'm tired of being just one step above the street and playing the payment hopping game (this is when you pay the electric bill this month, the gas bill the next month and the phone bill the following month). i'd like to be able to go to disneyland once a year if i want to. i'd like to be able to look at my bill basket and see only this month's bills.

i dream of owning my own home. five bedrooms, two and a half baths, living room, family room, large kitchen with an "island" in the middle, dining room, nice large backyard with a fence. saxy recently added a den he can use for an entertainment room. *g* i want a fireplace in the master bedroom. yes, i know we're looking at an extremely expensive place. yes, i know i won't find exactly what i want without building it myself. but i want a home. i want a home with a yard. i want a place to call mine. i'm tired of apartments and all the bs that goes with them. i'm tired of not being able to paint and decorate the way i want to, even if could afford it. i'm tired of being restricted on how many pets i can have and what kind. i'm tired of pouring money down the black hole of renting. i want my own home.

i dream of losing weight, a losing prospect at best, i know. but, hey, this is about dreaming. maybe when the whole issue of survival is less of a problem i can actually try to lose a little weight.

dreams. they are the one thing that keep me going when everything else is so down. one day i'll reach them and i'll have to come up with new dreams. until then, i can't let the bad times take these dreams away. it's hard to dream sometimes, but it's worth it. for some of us, it's all we have.