back index // archives next

defining self
tuesday, august 27, 2002

i've had some time to think things over from the last entry. i've come to the same conclusion i come to every time something like this happens: i am who i am and, while often painful, i will not change my open honesty. it is a part of me. i don't play games, i don't wear masks. i may not have tact or timing, but people who take the time to get to know me will know one thing: i won't bs around with them. i may be blunt, what i have to say may hurt, but it is coming from my heart and not from any desire to hurt (although i may know it will hurt to be said, that's not my reasons for saying it) or to show my superior knowledge off or anything. i say what i say because i care and because it is what i think.

years ago i had to sit down and think about who i am and how i behave. being maskless, being honest, being completely who you are and saying what you feel and think is such a rare thing to do in today's society that people often just don't know how to react. in my experience, the fact that what i say can be taken at face value, without all the hidden meanings and implications and other crap we call dialogue these days, is hard for other people to fathom. by being open like this, by who i am and saying what i think and feel, i leave myself wide open for a lot of bs and hurt. and that's what happened all those years ago. i was hurting and i had to think it all through and consciously decide on what i was going to do.

i chose to remain as i am.

what you see is what you get. want my opinion? better be sure, because that's what you will get. i may try to be tactful, but no guarantees. one thing you can be sure of: what i say is what i mean. period. no added implications. no hidden meanings. and if i see something happening with a friend that i'm not sure is a good thing, i will mention it. for me, that's one part of friendship: being honest with the good and bad. i may be wrong, but if i truly care about someone i'm certainly not keeping my mouth shut. that's not friendship. it may seem like friendship because you're sharing is the good times, but friendship is more than good times and having a shoulder to cry on. at least, good solid ones are in my view.

as for how people respond to me, well, they can and will do what they wish. i am opinionated, i know that. i actually like that about myself. i have my opinions, i feel strongly about them, and am more than willing to share them, sometimes emphatically, with anyone who will listen. i don't say one thing then back off the next just because someone else said something different. that doesn't mean i'm so set in my opinions they never change, it just means i am secure enough to say what i think from the start. this is going to step on toes.

oh well.

does that mean i don't care? no. what it means is that i long ago came to the conclusion that people are going to do and think and be what they want, regardless. they don't have to agree with me and i don't have to agree with them. and even if i care deeply for someone, i'm not going to beat either them or myself up over a difference in opinion or lifestyle or whatever. people will do and think and be the way they want. even if it means losing someone i thought was close, i can't let it stop me form being who i am or from moving onward. i will miss that person, of course, but they will be who they want and i have to be content with that choice.

i realize i am probably not expressing this well. sometimes, even with what i say being able to be taken at face value, i get it muddled.

welcome to the human race. ;)

at any rate, i am who i am. you are who you are. we're entitled to be different. who i am gets changed by my contact with other people. that's the nature of knowing others, you grow and change from their influence. but i refuse to change who i am to suite other people.

i wish, a lot of times actually, that people wouldn't filter me and what i have to say through whatever skewed view they have and just take me as i am, but that's unlikely to happen. everyone has filters, even me. some are more aware of those filters than others and some of us try to fight those filters, but they are always there. so people will always misunderstand, always twist things, always read stuff into things that are not there. so why do i keep trying?

because regardless of what others do with it, i have to remain true to myself. it's a choice i made a long time ago and one i reaffirm every time something like what happened a few days ago brings it back up. there's only so much i can do to make myself clear, to try to make others understand.

no games. no masks. no hidden meanings.

just me.

and that's all i ever want to be.

site of the moment:
Shades of Me
ring of the moment:
word of the moment: iridescent

having or exhibiting a lustrous rainbowlike play of color caused by differential refraction of light waves (as from an oil slick, soap bubble, or fish scales) that tends to change as the angle of view changes or having or exhibiting a lustrous or attractive quality or effect