just plain gifted
saturday, august 24, 2002


i really have GOT to learn to keep my mouth shut. once again in the process of being both honest with and concerned about a friend, i have hurt someone i really deeply cared about, to the point that she's withdrawing from things that i know she wouldn't be withdrawing from if i hadn't said anything. to be fair, i did expect her to be hurt. hell, I'D be hurt. i just didn't expect her to pull so completely away.

this so completely sucks.

ok, so i felt it needed saying, but more than likely i could have chosen better timing. she's been having a very rough time lately and i know that. i know that rough time is probably contributing quite a bit to what i saw happening. and it is probably contributing a great deal to what she's doing now, but i feel like a putz.

i tend to deal with this kind of stuff differently. i get hurt, i get angry, i let it ALL out, and then . . . i'm done. it's over. freaks saxy out every time we get into a big fight. i get all this crap out and, 5 or 10 minutes later, am asking calmly, "what's for dinner?" yes, i know not everyone deals with these things the same way. and i know most people don't just unload and let go like i do. i admit to being, well, strange in that regard. and, yes, there are times when i'm too hurt to do anything BUT be upset. i'm not faulting her reactions, i'm faulting my own stupidity for mentioning this now when she's already got so much going on.

i just hated seeing her struggle so much with something she loved especially when i thought i saw another issue that may have been contributing. when we're stressed, we can all be blind to things and be doing things we don't realize we're doing. heck, we can do that when we're not stressed. and sometimes these things can be hurting us and we don't even realize it. sometimes someone needs to tell us what's going on because we're too close to see it.

this, apparently, was not one of those times.

i felt it needed to be said. now that it has been said, i can let it go and never mention it again. i've been told i'm wrong. that she's hurt. i expected this actually. but, from what little has been said, i gather i'm no longer trusted. hell, i may not even be LIKED anymore. most of all, i did not expect for her to withdraw, especially when she needs the support so much.

and i guess that's where the problem lies. i wasn't being supportive. and i sent her over the edge.

i did mention i was gifted, right?

my friend, please feel better soon. i'm sorry i hurt you so badly. there's nothing more i can say to soothe the hurt i caused. i love you. just . . . be better soon.