shades of september
saturday, august 24, 2002


summer is almost over. i was updating my planner and, as i dated the weekly calendar, hit september 1.

already?

where the heck did this summer go and why am i still so damn tired? worse, why do i feel like i got nothing done?

i know i got a lot done actually, it just doesn't seem like it, and i'm sure that's partly because this summer has been different and september will be way different than the "usual."

two years ago i spent most my summer with my oldest girl. it was nice. we did things together and it felt very close. last summer we spent less time together, but we did do some things. even so i was ready for her to go back to school when the time came. this year i barely even saw her. her dance stuff continued through the summer, especially since she made varsity. we were going to do a book of poems this year, but never she was interested in actually writing any poetry, so we didn't even do that much together. she starts school the 10th and i've barely even seen her.

then there's the fact that saxy starts school the 3rd this fall instead of me starting classes some time in september. now that has got to be the strangest thing for me. mind you, i was in classes for a good 3 years, got totally burned out, and took 18 months off and was absolutely fine with that. fall came and didn't feel strange at all. i went back after not expecting to ever go back again. i guess the difference this year is i really wanted to be in an m.f.a. program this year.

everyone in this house will be going to school except me. if i go at all, it will be as a substitute teacher, not a student. i do get 2 weeks with no kids in the house, something practically unprecedented until this year. jewel's middle school went year-round and she's now on the same track as taz. which works well when they are off track. of the 3 sisters, he seems to like her best so having the two home together will work better than having him and shebop home (oh the fighting!). i've been hating year-round school because of the scheduling issues, but this year it may just be a god send.

did i mention that i passed the cbest? i did. they score between 20 and 80 with a passing score of 41 for each section. my math score was a 52 and my reading score was a 60. not as high as i'd have liked, but they work. i'm still waiting for the writing scores. we need a 123 overall to pass the whole test and i can't imagine i got a 10 or less on the writing section. so i passed and that means in september i'll have the opportunity to sub. real work. real money.

not that i think all our problems will be solved in september by subbing. but an actual income, however variable, will be an incredible help. summer has been very hard financially and we don't have me going back to school and getting my grants and loans to cover us. saxy's grades from his last semester disqualify him from f.a. and the school won't set aside those grades even with medical documentation that shows he has a disability that interfered with his ability to learn. so we're very on edge right now. i'm paying very little and we're racking up more debt just to get by. a job, any job, that provides even an extra $500 or more a month would be so incredibly helpful. and i get that chance in september. now all we have to do is hope that i get called.

september.

i was supposed to use this summer to rest (i didn't) and write those 2 essays (i didn't) for that incomplete. and now summer is almost over. not having school to get ready for myself, i lost track of time and september just sorta snuck up on me.

yea, september already.