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bubbling up
wednesday, june 26, 2002

when classes were finally over, it was a desire without any force to it. i wanted to write, but it wasn't a need. my creativity had died at the hands of academia. writing the fastdraft of my short for the dreaming contest was harder than it's ever been for me to write any fastdraft. (for those who don't know, a fastdraft is my version of a controlled freewrite: i rush write the story idea, just trying to get the idea down. like a freewrite, i try to ignore grammar, spelling, and any other errors, unlike a freewrite, i stay focused on the story instead of writing just anything that comes to mind. it's supposed to be the most freeing of the entire process for the story.) it took two days to get it all out and it came to just over 2500 words when it was done.

but it was lucky, in a sense. i at least got it down. other ideas have come to mind (not many, but a few) and not one of them made it to paper. or to the web. my last ink entry took work too, and it probably has less then 100 words. the fact that it was so hard is a sure sign of burnout. i may have wanted to write, but i was too damn tired to do it. i had nothing left in me to give to anything or anyone.

then the ideas seemed freed up. i wasn't really writing yet, but i was certainly thinking a lot. my current shorts had my attention. i managed a revision of the new story. not everything was making it to paper, in fact very little of it got outside my head, but just the fact that it was becoming less of a chore to think about my writing was a good sign.

then, sometime yesterday, i realized that not only were ideas bubbling up at a more normal rate, but i had that NEED to write again. it's a need so strong that you'll write anything, even a memo to the boss, just to try to satisfy it...or at least to tide yourself over. it's the craving that won't go away. when i feel it i always wonder how the heck i could have missed that this was what i've always wanted to do for so long. i can only say that others convinced me not to try. writing doesn't support you, you know. do something, anything, but be a writer. they never commented on my talent except to say that being a published writer was a pipe dream and would do nothing to support anyone. so i put aside my high school, immature dreams to be a responsible adult who couldn't be happy in any other occupation so had to try quite a few others on for size. not that any of them ever supported me well either. and i kept my writing alive through rpg gaming. being the game master is good, very good. but it's not REALLY writing.

but writing is work. it's hard to do any work, much less creative work, when you're tired, worn out, and completely drained of any capability to give more of yourself. so it was really nice to see the ideas starting to filter through my exhaustion. when the NEED hit, i actually got frustrated because of these two papers i still have to write to finalize my degree.

then this morning the next component started to tickle me: the energy. it goes beyond desire and need. the energy is necessary to be motivated to do anything. i can't explain the energy other than a positive excitement for an idea, project, or activity. just the thought is giving me that energy now. the next step, the final step, is when that energy hits while writing.

and i am really looking forward to that!

site of the moment:
ring of the moment:
word of the moment: ceilinged

adjective form of ceiling: the overhead inside lining of a room; an overhanging shelter or a lofty canopy; the height above the ground from which objects on the ground can be seen and identified; an upper prescribed limit