saved from myself
wednesday, april 10, 2002


there is one thing i never forget to pay: the rent. i have 4 kids and take their needs seriously (not that parents don't, but they are my primary concern when it comes to these things - if it were just me, well, i could manage of things ended up in a bad state). utilities i can get extensions on if i need to, food i can find ways to get, clothing is covered by either dad or saxy and i as we have it. but the rent, this i pay before everything else.

until this month.

i am not sure what happened. but, for the first time, i didn't even think of the rent until late last wednesday night. perhaps i am still so totally friend from the pressures of last quarter that i have no brain left. maybe the sticker shock from taking care of everything else annhialated my common sense. maybe i thought i paid it when i paid up all our utilities (a bit of astretch there, but since i usually pay rent before anything else, it's possible). it's even possible i've been too focused on the situation with one of classes from last quarter and trying to manage this quarter and graduation to think about much else. and maybe all of this just overloaded my brain circuitry. trust me, even with how much i think about at once, that's quite possible. i've been known to short circuit before, just not usually this bad.

so, on thursday the ex and i go to the post office hoping they will take a credit card for the money order (i can't pay by check even if i had the money in the checking account). they take credit cards for everything BUT money orders. i can sort of understand it, but understanding doesn't pay the rent.

fortunately the ex found a way to help, so we have a place to live for another month. i spent the whole weekend kicking myself in one way or another over this stupidity. and we get to pay for it as i pay the ex back. i was supposed to be saving money for vermont (assuming i get into one of the mfa programs i applied to), and instead i'll be paying back a loan.

and tonight i turn in the paperwork to stay here another year. all things considered, i wish we could move, but the price can't be beat.

i keep telling myself things will get better. i just hope i'm right.