wednesday, august 22, 2001
stressing out

i meant to write an entry this weekend, i really did.

i decided to be hormonal instead and have been so just about all week. ok, so i didn't really decide it, but trying not to be hormonal isn't working. i am down to blaming it all on stress. it's weird but even when it seems like nothing is going on, a lot more is going on than you think.

money is the biggest issue for the moment. every utility we have is coming up with disconnect notices, my credit cards are at least 2 months behind, and it's a struggle to make it from one week to the next. this is summer, but this is the worse summer we've had so far. every summer we get behind, every fall we spend around half my loans moneys catching everything up. but it's not usually this bad. *sigh* i am hanging on, really i am, but i dread the mail now.

high school. my oldest is moving on. i know she's nervous as all heck. what i don't tell her is how scared and sad i am to see her growing up. i have so little time with her and right now it is marred by her hysterics and teenage rebellion. every day there's an argument, even after an explanation of "why" we get an argument. i so enjoyed last summer, was so looking forward to this one with her, and it's all lost.

then there's the sticker shock. high school costs money? her dance supplies alone look to be close to $200!!! we haven't even begun to buy the regular school stuff. my loan money is looking extremely thin this fall. thank goodness i have more money coming in from school this year. but man, i may have to rethink everything on what i have planned to pay. yes, i should have seen this coming, everyone is complaining about their school costs for public schools right about now. but, for some reason, it just didn't register. my own stupid.

and speaking of school loans...

classes start in a month. OK, so it's a bit early to start stressing, but a 20 unit quarter going in is a HUGE stressor. it's not like i have much choice, it's my last year and i am down to the classes i must have. take my advice, take all your required classes first so you have a bit more flexibility in your last year with electives. i have none. everything i am taking is absolutely required. and that fact is stressing saxy out because it severely limits what he can do school wise. and his registration is completely crazed right now too. because of an f.a. hold, he won't be able to register until 3 days before classes start. can you say screwed? he will be lucky if even ONE class he needs is open, which means he has to figure out how to add an online class since there is no classroom to go to the teacher with an add slip.

is school for 3 people supposed to be so stressful?

as mentioned previously, we now have a roomie and her child. i never imagine 2 more people in this house on a regular basis would make me feel so crowded in! i am the social one, always have been (is saxy rubbing off on me with his not so social self?), so to be stressed out over extra people is just...strange. i mean..really strange. i used to have all kinds of people in and out of my house all the time, at all hours and for looooooong hours. but i feel crowded in. i feel like i don't have any space in my house. when saxy and i fight and i need to breath, there's no where for me to go.

and then there's that stupidity. i don't even want to go there, i just want my insane insecurities to stop.

my site isn't going to be ready by the time classes start. i am trying so hard to write well, and it's more work than i ever imagined (as much as i and other people love it).

i am just crazed, bewildered and overwhelmed.

there will be a break some day, right? when i can breath again and say this was all worth it? when the stress doesn't beat at my self-confidence?

god, i hope so...or i am a lot more neurotic than i thought.