thursday, january 4, 2001
holding it in

lately i have been holding onto some anger and frustration. that's usually not like me. i either deal with it, explode and then let it go, or something, but rarely do i hang on to frustration or anger any more. in this case i am trying to deal with it internally. directing it at my family would be pointless, they aren't the cause. saying anything to those who are the cause wouldn't do anything but make things worse. so here i sit trying so very hard to just let it go, but everyday something brings it back up. it's hard to deal with something, work it through and get beyond it, if it is constantly run raw day after day. it's still pointless to say anything to anyone, really. especially since the general consensus seems to be that i am the one in the wrong and i am the one who has to make amends. i'm kind of tired of that too. it takes two to tango. i have been here, i don't hold grudges. like any other i have my moments, but i tend to let things go and be ok once its all done and said. it drives me nuts that it all gets placed at my feet every time, and i am the one who is supposed to make the overture every time. i'd like to think i am generally easy going, that i forgive and move on. but even those of us who are flexible enough to do all that have our limits. why does it shock people so when they hit those limits for the dozenth time and "all of a sudden" the easy going ones have had it?

regardless of what others think, i have the right to my feelings, opinions, beliefs and way of doing things as much as anyone else. i just have to get myself to the point where i can let it go, since others have the right to theirs as well and if they choose to be intolerant that's their loss not mine. for me its the only answer at the moment. it would be nice if everyone learned to let people be who they are, to accept that and not be judgmental if they don't agree, but i can't hold my breath and wait for that to happen either. so i struggle to deal with the frustration and anger resulting from it all. i know i can't let this make my day bad or my internet experience less enjoyable. i just have to work through it. i'll get there eventually . . . or make my ulcer that much worse!

in other news, i did receive notice that my f.a. is on its way, and its a bit more than i expected. the school must have begun processing yesterday, and they are saying it will take 3-5 days for it to actually hit the bank, depending on my bank. the last time i talked to the bank, they said it depends on the people sending them the money, that they deposit it right away. in other words, someone along the line is holding onto the money for a few extra days to make a little interest, but no one wants to admit who. at least its on its way. hopefully it won't take the full 5 days to hit the bank or i will be a week behind on everything (and there goes my weekend - not that i do much on my weekends at the moment). the extra money will be good though. we'll get caught up on bills, i can clear out at least one nasty credit card (do i ever WISH it could be providian!), get a few things for school, and set aside a little for future use. puts us in a bit of a better position than before, especially since school loan rates are much lower than credit card rates.

a few people have asked me how i feel about going back. most seem to assume i am excited, most of the time i don't feel anything - not sure i am holding those feelings in or if i am just not thinking about it more than necessary. when i do think about it, my feelings are mixed but excitement does not seem to be part of the cocktail. nervous, unsure of myself, hopeful, wondering if i am absolutely out of my mind, even a bit scared, but not excited. according to linnorm we won't know about the insurance for a month or so. with the quarter going six weeks, looks like i'll be without adhd meds for the quarter, so i am very very nervous. the questions tumble through my mind, the concerns, will i be able to do this? especially considering everything that happened when i left the last time? is my memory up to it? i already know sunday night i will be a nervous wreck, so i try not to make it worse but thinking about it too much now. i'll have plenty of time to think about it when i get there. each test is going to be a nightmare. trying to study enough so i don't forget anything, trying to remember what i studied to answer the questions. i no longer expect a's, not with things the way they are right now. i just want to pass.

now i think you can see why i try not to think about some things sometimes. i'd rather hold all this stuff in. ranting about it doesn't help much when the only solution is time. i think there are times when i am intimidated by my own feelings.