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thursday 11.02.2000
real life

yes, i have been gone a few days here. real life sometimes take precedence, added to the fact that i just didn't want to be online all that much right now. just too burned out...even with the things i LOVE doing, i just needed a break. some days i feel there is just too much going on and all i want to do is hide. today hasn't helped the situation any. saxy lost his job on top of everything else we have to deal with. saxy had told me he'd give up everything he had to be back with his family again, however it would have been nice if someone hadn't taken him seriously. monday he starts looking again. fortunately he has prospects and his previous supervisors are willing to give him a good reference. but it still means a few weeks (at least) with money questions/problems for him, and the loss of insurance, which i desperately need right now.

things seem to be going well in the actual marriage department. he has yet to show any signs of becoming the same person who destroyed the marriage before. but we have yet to pass the six week period, so i am still in the "we shall see" frame of mind. he is, however, being much kinder in tone and behavior towards the kids, which is a joy to see. he also seems to be in a "honeymoon" frame of mind, meaning nights are a bit more active than when we split. his family has been very cool, and really upset me with a comment: "we just want what's best for him, he has been hurt a lot by this". like i wasn't? like i decided on the split "just because"? i understand that they are his parents, don't get me wrong. but it's not like i went out of my way to hurt anybody for no reason. i had to do what was necessary to keep my family from being hurt any more. i know he has friends who apparently think i turned him into the person he became. i'd really like to know what i did to do that, other than keep giving up more and more to him until our house wasn't a pleasant place for anybody. it angers me that people assume i would do this for no reason at all, that i am the one who made him become the person he became. but i am trying to understand that they were not on the inside so they don't know. not as easy as it sounds when it is so personal and attack aimed at you. but i am trying.

i haven't been getting nearly as much done with the school notes as i had planned. i have been so tired this week, which is probably an indication that i am getting ready for my monthly. as an anemic, losing iron in any way can wear me out more than usual. at least the remaining three weeks (or so) of the month i am ok energy wise. it also doesn't help that saxy brought the play station over. yes, i have been doing a lot of playing of late. not only is it fun, but it something i can do laying down when my back is giving me trouble, which seems to be most of the time now. i am popping aleve almost like candy and still barely covering the pain. i had hoped to hold off seeing the doctor about it until i had a more stable financial situation, but now i may need to try to get in before the end of the month. actually, no "may" about it. i either get in before the end of the month or i am s.o.l. for at least 3 months.

i am now more worried about school than i was before. once my medications run out, my asthma and allergies will no longer be under control and winter is the worst time for my asthma. they are cold and wet. my asthma is triggered by cold, damp air. i also will no longer be able to get medication for the adhd. mind you, the wellbutrin wouldn't be my first choice: i have the shakes most of the time, a sick tummy most of the time, and i don't feel my memory is where it should be nor am i certain the distractibility is under control. i still completely blank out on what was just said...not as often, but it does happen. however, i AM remembering better than before and seem able to focus on conversations somewhat better. so, something is better than nothing at all. if i could figure out how to go in and get 3 months worth of the stuff without paying a minor fortune, i would (assuming, of course, no one at the pharmacy stops me either. i did this the last time i ran out of medical insurance because i wasn't taking my meds on a regular bases and still refilling every so often...not an option now.)

add to all this that my youngest is making us NUTS, and you can see there's almost too much going on here. froggy is just her own person, which is fine except being her own person is crossing the lines way too much for her safety and my peace of mind. two days after the whole missing kid incident complete with police, she didn't come home again, she went to the neighbor's instead. at least it was the neighbor, but it still disobeyed the command to come straight home from the bus after school. she has been caught lying, she pesters her brother even when he wants to be left alone, has no respect for others' property and is even picking up her oldest sister's habit of getting into food she's not supposed to be getting into. and nothing i do is getting through. she cries, she KNOWS what she has done is wrong, and no amount of punishment is helping here. since most of the problems at home and at school seemed to start when saxy left the household, i had actually hoped having him back would help. vain hope indeed. froggy just doesn't want to listen to anyone: not me, not saxy, not her godfather emce (whom most of the kids DO listen to), not teachers, nobody. i always thought taz was difficult...this girl has me floored.

so real life has just been the place i am needed of late. so much needs working on with limited energy and resources. even my own domain has had few, if any work on it. there are just some things that need more attention than others. especially now.

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