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sunday 10.29.2000

this week i officially go on a leave of absence from the one remaining internet group i have been active in. there is just too much to do for me to continue spending a ton of time trying to get my committees going. i have a marriage to work on, projects for the kids and saxy and friends that i have promised to do, all those notes from my english classes (as well as other classes) to type onto disc, my own site to finish getting back up, and a zillion other little things that have all been pushed aside for this group. i can't do that any more. when i joined, it was fun, i met a lot of wonderful ladies, made a few good friends. i have worked at all levels of the group now: regular schmuck (which is actually not said in a derogatory manner, honest), committee leader, and now as a member of the upper levels of leadership. i have learned a lot, laughed a lot, cried a lot, made great friends, and had an immensely good time. i have always said, i do what i do there for my other sisters. i am a helping person, i know this. and sometimes i give way too much of myself in the effort to help. this is because i ENJOY helping people.

but lately i haven't really enjoyed ANYTHING i have been doing there. i am frustrated. at the leadership levels, half my mails are ignored and it's like pulling teeth to get everyone to vote on the stuff for my committees that needs to be voted on. most my committees are pretty dead. the members aren't doing much of anything. they ask for things to do. so we give them things to do. and then they don't do it. which really puts me in a bind because i CAN'T do it all. it hasn't helped that rubies have gone m.i.a. or quit or are just not responding at all . . . and not doing their jobs. warning letters are going unanswered and ignored. stuff that needs to be done is being left undone. not all the rubies are that way, but most of them. if i can't get THEM to do their jobs, then i certainly can't expect the rest of the membership to do anything either. i have tried to be patient and understanding, but when people on even the smallest committee aren't doing anything, it gets very frustrating. the way these things are SUPPOSED to run (so i was told) was with the rubies pretty much running the committees with me and my co's as a back up of sorts, helping solve any issues, approving projects (which they are then supposed to carry out), and just generally over seeing the work without doing all the work. it's not happening that way. in one committee me and my co are doing most of the work, on the other two nothing is getting done because me and my co's CAN'T do the work. in some ways i feel like a failure. but i also know this is not my fault. these are volunteer positions and these ladies are not required or paid to do any of this stuff. i would just think that if they are not going to be doing anything they would resign the committee. may make the committee incredibly small, but hopefully the ones who stay would actually be DOING something.

and in the leadership things seem to be getting worse, not better. we barely communicate. the founder doesn't appear to be doing anything. we need to move the ring. she wants it on the group's site so is fighting cgi. she is unwilling to put it someplace even temporarily because we lose members with every change we make. to me that's just crazy. the members we lose aren't doing anything anyway and while we dither around waiting for her to figure out the cgi we aren't gaining any members. in fact, NOT doing anything has us losing members anyway. so since it is a no win situation, at least put us some place where we can recruit and GET new members. i approached her with this and hit a brick wall. she was polite (she really is a sweetie) but unwilling to do this. add to that that one of her committees is STILL without a co, even though ALL committees must have a co, and it is a committee i would just LOVE to co on, and i am truly frustrated with the situation.

actually, i am angry. it's not a hot anger. i am not raging or anything. but i am on a low simmer. i feel like i am being pushed out of a group i have loved and worked my butt off for by her inaction. i know saying these things she's going to feel attacked. we argue/approach/comment her on this stuff and she feels attacked. to me this is starting to become an excuse. she does nothing, people get upset, she feels attacked, everyone makes nice nice, and she goes BACK TO DOING NOTHING. nothing is solved, nothing is changed, and the group is dying a slow death. as another diamond commented, we're a sinking ship with no icebergs to blame (not precisely those words but that emotion). she supposedly fought to keep the group when it split. and now she's doing absolutely nothing to save it from complete annihilation. why the heck did she fight so hard when it split? just so she could decide to let it die without any help from others who wanted to save it? yes, i am very angry. i have given quite a bit to this group since i joined over 2 years ago. and the one person who can at least give us the tools to ATTEMPT to save it refuses to do so. and it is absolutely aggravating to be giving so much, to be trying so hard, to doing everything you can and still watching it slip away. all that work, all that i gave, comes to nothing for the group as a whole. i am on low simmer and burning out fast.

so, in addition to taking an loa for the things that need my attention, i also need space from the group that is draining me to the dregs right now. i really want it all to work out, i want this group to thrive and be strong again. i just don't see it happening and i am getting very tired. i am hanging on at the moment. i am keeping an eye on it even in my loa. i am hoping and praying in the next month that things begin to take an upswing. things get DONE. the committees start to function close to how they are supposed to. the ring is at least temporarily set up somewhere so we can get new members. in other words, that the group as a whole starts to wake up and be active again. the leadership is talking, people are doing. if not, then my loa may become a more permanent option: resignation. i cannot keep fighting for this group, as much as i love being a part of it, and work my butt off as hard as i have been for the months since i became a diamond and still go to school, take care of my domain and his domain and all the kids' projects, and take care of DominoDesigns, and save a marriage. i have other things i can do for fun. leaving would hurt immensely. but come november, i may have no choice. hell, maybe that's what they all want anyway...or at least what she wants.

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