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friday 10.27.2000
thinking


a number of friends are totally confused about my recent decision to give saxy another chance. to them it appears to be a totally random action on my part. i swear it isn't, but i can see how it would appear that way. these last 4 months have not been easy for anyone to be honest. and i know once he was out of the house and we had a little time between us, i started to become indecisive. but it was only in this last week that i REALLY started to think about things. and i didn't discuss those thoughts with anyone really, just mulled things over in my head. there are times when i do that. i just need space to sort through my thoughts. when i am like that i don't often share what i am thinking about with anyone. i just need to sort them through until i can come up with the decisions i feel are best. sometimes those decisions change when i talk to another person and i get input later. i think what i am trying to do during the time when i think but don't talk is to put some order to the chaos and confusion that may be present. i CAN'T talk about it because what i would say would make no sense, not even to me. there would be a bunch of jumbled emotional reactions more than actual coherent thought. until that is sorted through, talking with another person is almost pointless. how can they understand what i cannot explain? so that's pretty much what happened this last week. i sorted and considered and sorted some more and did my best to make some kind of order our of the mess in my brain on the whole saxy thing.

and its not like any decision i would have made would be the "best" decision, to be honest. either way, someone gets put aside, so to speak, and the two of us hurt. i DO care very deeply for both men. i won't deny it. as incomprehensible as that is to most the women i talk to, that's how it is. yes, i had made the decision to leave saxy. if i had managed to get the paperwork right after we separated, the divorce would be well on its way to being done with. but i didn't. legal aide has specific hours and days its open and coordinating those times with the one person who could give me a ride actually proved to be a bit problematic. and saxy made good use of the time actually. he thought things through and finally admitted what he would not admit while he lived here: that he had hurt us all very deeply with the mistreatment he dished out. and he is remorseful about it. and then he tried to make it up to all of us, especially the kids. he hung on. something most men would NOT do.

will things be different? i honestly don't know. he has been sweet and considerate this whole week. we have had deep conversations like nothing we had previously. but in the past such changes have lasted maybe a week or two, a month at the most. so we shall see. regardless, he has lost friendships over his decision to work this out with me. it has been that important to him. he even understands (at least a little) about emce, holds no hard feelings for either of us. i think another friend of ours summed it up pretty well in two statements she made: 1. "That man and you (me) had been friends for a long time. You needed comfort as well and that is where you found some of it" (yes, even i can see that...or maybe especially i can see it); 2. "Men do it all of the time and NO ONE ever thinks anything bad about it. What is the difference?" (doesn't make it right but she has a point...and most men do not even consider working it out even if the woman is willing to forgive him moving on so quickly and doing what she needs to do to make the marriage work). already i see him trying to work with the jealousy that caused me to lose my friends, either because i ended up not communicating as much or because they didn't want me to have to deal with the results of the jealousy. he is TALKING to me about what he thinks and feels, trying very hard to verbalize things that are hard for him to verbalize. but, i think one of the things that has impressed the most thus far, he is talking to my oldest daughter with respect and consideration and affection. he hasn't pushed her away like he used to. if he doesn't feel up to doing something right at that moment, he makes it clear that he WILL do something with her when he does feel up to things...and he DOES. he is actually SHARING things with her: cds, his playstation, things that he has been possessive of in the past. he has suggested to me a friday night family movie time for us. he IS working on solutions to the problems that have plagued us in the past, and that is more encouraging than any promises he could make right now (which he is avoiding at the moment as we have heard so many only to have them broken).

as for emce, he apparently knew this was going to happen. we are still friends, and he knows me so well. and i am sure that's why he has been hesitant in his commitment in any relationship with me. wise man, good friend. he has had a real crappie week, and this was just the icing on the cake i am sure, but he says he is not angry at me or saxy. he handled it better than i did. we will still game, assuming his week doesn't get worse and he loses the car. we have apparently been missing each other most of the week. (i REALLY need dsl!) in a few days or so i am sure he will be back to his stoic self. and we're still on to game. he still holds the opinion that saxy is not the kind of man to really make me happy (not saying that HE is the kind of man to make me happy, it's just his opinion that saxy isn't.), but he has stated what so many others have: it is my life and i am the one who has to live it. no one else can make the decisions for my life.

it seems we all have been thinking too much, but in this case it seems to be doing good for the most part. a marriage may be saved, a friend didn't get so involved that the friendship was put at risk. i am, i think, a very lucky lady sometimes. everyone pray it all works out.

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