a number of friends are totally confused about my recent decision to give saxy
another chance. to them it appears to be a totally random action on my part. i
swear it isn't, but i can see how it would appear that way. these last 4 months
have not been easy for anyone to be honest. and i know once he was out of the
house and we had a little time between us, i started to become indecisive. but
it was only in this last week that i REALLY started to think about things. and
i didn't discuss those thoughts with anyone really, just mulled things over in
my head. there are times when i do that. i just need space to sort through my
thoughts. when i am like that i don't often share what i am thinking about with
anyone. i just need to sort them through until i can come up with the decisions
i feel are best. sometimes those decisions change when i talk to another person
and i get input later. i think what i am trying to do during the time when i think
but don't talk is to put some order to the chaos and confusion that may be present.
i CAN'T talk about it because what i would say would make no sense, not even to
me. there would be a bunch of jumbled emotional reactions more than actual coherent
thought. until that is sorted through, talking with another person is almost pointless.
how can they understand what i cannot explain? so that's pretty much what happened
this last week. i sorted and considered and sorted some more and did my best to
make some kind of order our of the mess in my brain on the whole saxy thing.
and its not like any decision i would have made would be the "best"
decision, to be honest. either way, someone gets put aside, so to speak, and the
two of us hurt. i DO care very deeply for both men. i won't deny it. as incomprehensible
as that is to most the women i talk to, that's how it is. yes, i had made the
decision to leave saxy. if i had managed to get the paperwork right after we separated,
the divorce would be well on its way to being done with. but i didn't. legal aide
has specific hours and days its open and coordinating those times with the one
person who could give me a ride actually proved to be a bit problematic. and saxy
made good use of the time actually. he thought things through and finally admitted
what he would not admit while he lived here: that he had hurt us all very deeply
with the mistreatment he dished out. and he is remorseful about it. and then he
tried to make it up to all of us, especially the kids. he hung on. something most
men would NOT do.
will things be different? i honestly don't know. he has been sweet and considerate
this whole week. we have had deep conversations like nothing we had previously.
but in the past such changes have lasted maybe a week or two, a month at the most.
so we shall see. regardless, he has lost friendships over his decision to work
this out with me. it has been that important to him. he even understands (at least
a little) about emce, holds no hard feelings for either of us. i think another
friend of ours summed it up pretty well in two statements she made: 1. "That
man and you (me) had been friends for a long time. You needed comfort as well
and that is where you found some of it" (yes, even i can see that...or maybe
especially i can see it); 2. "Men do it all of the time and NO ONE ever thinks
anything bad about it. What is the difference?" (doesn't make it right but
she has a point...and most men do not even consider working it out even if the
woman is willing to forgive him moving on so quickly and doing what she needs
to do to make the marriage work). already i see him trying to work with the jealousy
that caused me to lose my friends, either because i ended up not communicating
as much or because they didn't want me to have to deal with the results of the
jealousy. he is TALKING to me about what he thinks and feels, trying very hard
to verbalize things that are hard for him to verbalize. but, i think one of the
things that has impressed the most thus far, he is talking to my oldest daughter
with respect and consideration and affection. he hasn't pushed her away like he
used to. if he doesn't feel up to doing something right at that moment, he makes
it clear that he WILL do something with her when he does feel up to things...and
he DOES. he is actually SHARING things with her: cds, his playstation, things
that he has been possessive of in the past. he has suggested to me a friday night
family movie time for us. he IS working on solutions to the problems that have
plagued us in the past, and that is more encouraging than any promises he could
make right now (which he is avoiding at the moment as we have heard so many only
to have them broken).
as for emce, he apparently knew this was going to happen. we are still friends,
and he knows me so well. and i am sure that's why he has been hesitant in his
commitment in any relationship with me. wise man, good friend. he has had a real
crappie week, and this was just the icing on the cake i am sure, but he says he
is not angry at me or saxy. he handled it better than i did. we will still game,
assuming his week doesn't get worse and he loses the car. we have apparently been
missing each other most of the week. (i REALLY need dsl!) in a few days or so
i am sure he will be back to his stoic self. and we're still on to game. he still
holds the opinion that saxy is not the kind of man to really make me happy (not
saying that HE is the kind of man to make me happy, it's just his opinion that
saxy isn't.), but he has stated what so many others have: it is my life and i
am the one who has to live it. no one else can make the decisions for my life.
it seems we all have been thinking too much, but in this case it seems to be doing
good for the most part. a marriage may be saved, a friend didn't get so involved
that the friendship was put at risk. i am, i think, a very lucky lady sometimes.
everyone pray it all works out.