so, i have lost my mind. i have decided to give saxy one last shot. ok, so i said
it wouldn't happen, but things this last week have been...different. no promises
from him, but the man i fell in love with, the man i have always loved is back.
i know this is a big risk, i know he could very easily become the person he became
before.. but...i feel...i have to do this. for me. for us. it is so hard to explain,
when i am not even sure about it all. but here goes nothing.
over the last few weeks, i have been thinking about emce and i. and as much as
i love him as well, i am realizing there are even bigger problems there than i
had initially with saxy. we actually have very little in common. VERY little.
then there's the different things we want in a relationship. or should i say, what
i want that he doesn't seem capable of giving. affection in public. not laying
all over me, smothering me, but willing to at least acknowledge in some manner
publically that i am his girl. he hasn't been able to do that. over the years
we have grown very different and i see the gap that was between us before but
only bigger. i can see my education and his jobs becoming issues. i am not sure
he understands the time and focus that will be necessary for me to get through
this. and now he has this car, and do i see him any more than before? no. he hasn't
called or come by at all this week. yes he is an emotional refuge for me, solid,
someone who doesn't trigger my empathy in disturbing ways. but there is also no
passion. the sex is good, not fantastic, but good. and talking...i want someone
to talk to about...anything. he is quiet, reserved, and pretty much all we talk
about is the game we've been planning on running. emotions? its like pulling teeth
to get anything personal out of him. opinions? depends on what it is. our relationship
has been this quiet thing. nice, but not the best for either of us i don't think.
i don't know what he wants in a relationship to be honest. he says i think too
hard when i ask about it. i don't think it is unreasonable to want to know that.
we're friends spending time together in a more intimate relationship. but are
we really lovers? really a couple? i don't think so.
of late, saxy has been the person i once knew and fell in love with. he has been
willing to watch me be with someone else, been willing to let friends go, and
has tried to make up for his previous actions. he knows what he has done wrong,
he has cried over it in true remorse, and he is working to try to prevent it from
happening again. despite everything since our split, even the other man, he has
loved me. his anger has been more at himself than at me. he is making no promises
except one: he will try. he wants to show rather than verbally promise. all he
wants is a chance. some interesting things since the split have been happening
as well. we are actually TALKING more. i mean really talking about deep things,
not just shallow stuff or about work related stuff. he is supportive of school
and knows the effort it is going to take. he is willing to be affectionate in
public without smothering me. and HE wants a committed, monogamous, dedicated
relationship. we have passion and fire (and perhaps that is why we also have a
higher degree of fights).
in the last week or so i opened eloquence with several essays. and one of them
has stuck with me since the day i put it up. at least a couple of quotes from
one of them. "While yet unaware of his loss or peril, he and his Lady met
with Archimago. Tested twice, he stands firm at first but then falls to a ploy
which should have been as transparent as clear glass. When he departs, he leaves
behind not only the belt of truth, but also the joy of Christian love. Believing
the lie Archimago showed him, he became angered and fled without speaking to the
Lady who had thus far been loyal to him. True Christian love is "not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs . . . It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always preseveres." (1 Cor. 13:5, 7, NIV). It is in this
that love and truth are connected. The closest word to truth in the Old Testament
means "constant, permanent, faithful, reliable" and refers to being
able to "stand up under testing" (Archtemeier, 1100)." and
"Faithful and true, Una has not stopped seeking him. When he is freed from
captivity, she asks for no explanations, but is an example of Christian love:
patient, kind, not proud nor self-seeking, not easily angered, and, probably most
importantly for Redcrosse, not keeping a record of the wrongs done to her.
Under her nurturance, he seems to begin to come back to himself..." add to
this it has seemed, for weeks now, that Someone (or something) has been tapping
me on the shoulder about my marriage. maybe we needed the separation just for
a time. and now we will see.
if i don't do this...i will always wonder if i was being too proud. i would wonder
if this marriage could be saved. i risk emce, yes, but in some ways i am not sure
that is as huge a risk it appears. i am scared. i don't want to experience that
person saxy became ever again. i don't want the house to feel... oppressive like
it did. i want my kids to laugh and smile and feel loved and safe in their own
home. i have discussed this with kitten, and she feels he would be ok "depending
on how he behaved" and also admits that unless he has the chance, we wouldn't
know how he would behave. she is willing to give him another chance. i have promised
her and jewel that if there is the remotest sign that he is slipping into the
behavior of before, he will be out. no ands, ifs, buts, or maybes. i will protect
a huge step. a frightening step. how will it end? i don't know. emce and i, i
think, will still be able to work through to being the friends we have always
been. if things fall apart between saxy and i, i realize that there is no chance
with the other man i love. but, if i don't try, there is no chance with him either.
no matter my decision, i make a huge risk. but at least with this one i am giving
something a chance to heal and build. i am letting this love have a chance.