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wednesday 10.25.2000
another try

so, i have lost my mind. i have decided to give saxy one last shot. ok, so i said it wouldn't happen, but things this last week have been...different. no promises from him, but the man i fell in love with, the man i have always loved is back. i know this is a big risk, i know he could very easily become the person he became before.. but...i feel...i have to do this. for me. for us. it is so hard to explain, when i am not even sure about it all. but here goes nothing.

over the last few weeks, i have been thinking about emce and i. and as much as i love him as well, i am realizing there are even bigger problems there than i had initially with saxy. we actually have very little in common. VERY little. then there's the different things we want in a relationship. or should i say, what i want that he doesn't seem capable of giving. affection in public. not laying all over me, smothering me, but willing to at least acknowledge in some manner publically that i am his girl. he hasn't been able to do that. over the years we have grown very different and i see the gap that was between us before but only bigger. i can see my education and his jobs becoming issues. i am not sure he understands the time and focus that will be necessary for me to get through this. and now he has this car, and do i see him any more than before? no. he hasn't called or come by at all this week. yes he is an emotional refuge for me, solid, someone who doesn't trigger my empathy in disturbing ways. but there is also no passion. the sex is good, not fantastic, but good. and talking...i want someone to talk to about...anything. he is quiet, reserved, and pretty much all we talk about is the game we've been planning on running. emotions? its like pulling teeth to get anything personal out of him. opinions? depends on what it is. our relationship has been this quiet thing. nice, but not the best for either of us i don't think. i don't know what he wants in a relationship to be honest. he says i think too hard when i ask about it. i don't think it is unreasonable to want to know that. we're friends spending time together in a more intimate relationship. but are we really lovers? really a couple? i don't think so.

of late, saxy has been the person i once knew and fell in love with. he has been willing to watch me be with someone else, been willing to let friends go, and has tried to make up for his previous actions. he knows what he has done wrong, he has cried over it in true remorse, and he is working to try to prevent it from happening again. despite everything since our split, even the other man, he has loved me. his anger has been more at himself than at me. he is making no promises except one: he will try. he wants to show rather than verbally promise. all he wants is a chance. some interesting things since the split have been happening as well. we are actually TALKING more. i mean really talking about deep things, not just shallow stuff or about work related stuff. he is supportive of school and knows the effort it is going to take. he is willing to be affectionate in public without smothering me. and HE wants a committed, monogamous, dedicated relationship. we have passion and fire (and perhaps that is why we also have a higher degree of fights).

in the last week or so i opened eloquence with several essays. and one of them has stuck with me since the day i put it up. at least a couple of quotes from one of them. "While yet unaware of his loss or peril, he and his Lady met with Archimago. Tested twice, he stands firm at first but then falls to a ploy which should have been as transparent as clear glass. When he departs, he leaves behind not only the belt of truth, but also the joy of Christian love. Believing the lie Archimago showed him, he became angered and fled without speaking to the Lady who had thus far been loyal to him. True Christian love is "not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs . . . It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres." (1 Cor. 13:5, 7, NIV). It is in this that love and truth are connected. The closest word to truth in the Old Testament means "constant, permanent, faithful, reliable" and refers to being able to "stand up under testing" (Archtemeier, 1100)." and "Faithful and true, Una has not stopped seeking him. When he is freed from captivity, she asks for no explanations, but is an example of Christian love: patient, kind, not proud nor self-seeking, not easily angered, and, probably most importantly for Redcrosse, not keeping a record of the wrongs done to her. Under her nurturance, he seems to begin to come back to himself..." add to this it has seemed, for weeks now, that Someone (or something) has been tapping me on the shoulder about my marriage. maybe we needed the separation just for a time. and now we will see.

if i don't do this...i will always wonder if i was being too proud. i would wonder if this marriage could be saved. i risk emce, yes, but in some ways i am not sure that is as huge a risk it appears. i am scared. i don't want to experience that person saxy became ever again. i don't want the house to feel... oppressive like it did. i want my kids to laugh and smile and feel loved and safe in their own home. i have discussed this with kitten, and she feels he would be ok "depending on how he behaved" and also admits that unless he has the chance, we wouldn't know how he would behave. she is willing to give him another chance. i have promised her and jewel that if there is the remotest sign that he is slipping into the behavior of before, he will be out. no ands, ifs, buts, or maybes. i will protect them.

a huge step. a frightening step. how will it end? i don't know. emce and i, i think, will still be able to work through to being the friends we have always been. if things fall apart between saxy and i, i realize that there is no chance with the other man i love. but, if i don't try, there is no chance with him either. no matter my decision, i make a huge risk. but at least with this one i am giving something a chance to heal and build. i am letting this love have a chance.

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