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sunday 10.01.2000

tonight is a night of firsts for me, it seems. this is the first time i have participated in gray day, and as of today d'scribe dreamer exists only in the past and i am out of tsf for the first time in over 2 years. i have mixed feelings about both.

gray day. i believe in copyright protection, honest i do. but i also think there are so many other ways to increase copyright awareness. i decided to participate this year with some trepidation. i admit the reasons for my unease are pretty selfish. i lose visitors, LOTS of visitors. i have other causes i feel that are just important that haven't had a prayer of being seen today because the major pages are grayed out. but, uppermost on my mind, my site has not been down in anyway since i first built it. it has moved a lot, grown a lot, but never vanished. yes, i know, this is not a vanishing act, but it feels like it. while it is up, the pages aren't accessible. so it might as well be down.

what i have built here is more than just pages on the net. it's a bit of my heart and soul. it is my creativity. it is my pride, my joy. it is me...sharing myself...with my visitors. ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that i am an extremely outgoing person. no wonder i cringe at hiding behind a gray page.

but i do believe in copyright protection. when someone steals what i have created, they are stealing a piece of me. now WHY they would want MY expression on their site, rather than their own, is beyond me. but people do do day. i need a pat on the back for making it through my first one.

i also said good-bye to my scribes and the inkwell tonight. i will miss them, but i am just as glad it is over. from what d'plez said, they are STILL dropping like flies. it would just be too much to take on. especially with the mess in my other online group, and the disasters waiting to happen at home. how do you pay rent, buy food, put $75 on a credit card, and pay almost $200 in electricity charges with only $350??? if anyone has a fragment of an idea, i'm listening. these concerns take precedence over tsf or even ns. this week i begin the more serious job hunting as i haven't heard anything about the job from saxy's employer. well, i have, sorta. they have to offer it within the company first. i can't wait that long. not that i have any HOPE of getting a job on my schedule...but i have to try.

so for the first time in about 18+ months, i will not have a tsf email. for the first time in over 2 years i won't be involved in any way. i will miss it, it has been such a big part of my life and i have learned so much there. but i am not really sad. i am ready for this.

in other news, saxy started a blog, much to my surprise. i set it up for him since a) i know blogger, b) i am managing his domain for the moment. we have been joking a bit about being the tragic lovers who love each other but cannot be together. in his case that may be a little too close to the mark. in my case? yes, the love is there, but its not as...desperate and heart rending. maybe i am a cold, callous bitch, but i just know this is what i have to do right i am doing it. i've always done that. when i went to school...i just did it. i worked my butt off, but i knew it was necessary to our survival. i don't know why it has been so hard to get in that frame of mind this time around. not sure if it is still in reaction to the abuse, or if it is because of the iron problems interfering with normal function for me. regardless, getting back on my feet has been tough this time, and now we're suffering because of it (see aforementioned money problems).

maybe that's what's making me sick to my stomach these days? doubt it. started with the medication and has been getting worse since i started taking the 2 a day the doctor wants. as far as i can tell, there are no adhd meds that don't make you queasy. i try eating food or drinking milk with them, but it's not helping. at least i am not throwing up, or any of the other nasty little side effects this stuff could have.

some days i wish that, just ONCE, things would go unequivocally my way. gave up hoping for it a long time ago, but it sure would be a nice surprise.

i turn 37 on thursday. ug!

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