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friday 09.29.2000

god i feel old. i feel tired, worn out, totally drained. the last couple of days have been utter mind blowers, and i am on such shaky ground right now i don't know what's going on any more. almost everything went into total chaos, both online and off, for a few days there, leaving me bruised. i wasn't in too good of shape emotionally when this whole thing started, and i wonder. is this going to work? i feel the split between us, even those who i considered friends are becoming so distant.

two days ago i filed for divorce and sat here crying because of the necessity of it. did i REALLY want this? no. does my family NEED this? yes. the kids, especially the oldest, don't want him here. i take that back, the youngest is having difficulties in school i am sure because of this and she wants him back. my son can hardly seem to care less. the second girl, well she's wishy-washy about it. i think she would trust him again. but the damage to the oldest...damn he hurt her at a time when kids are already struggling with self-esteem and the whole teenage angst thing. i am just hoping that loving her up will help repair what has been done. regardless, putting that paperwork in HURT.

then i come home after all that to a letter that appeared to be an absolute given. no vote was called on it. comments were to be directed to the sender, not to the groups as a whole, strengthening the appearance of an "this is how it's going to be" attitude. already hurt, already struggling with emotions of lack of trust, broken promises, of my voice not being heard and still loving the person that brought about such pain; it looked to be happening again. after some thought, i left. i just couldn't take that again, not in that moment or any other. it was too much input for one day, far too much. i was on sensory overload. the problem is, as with c, it hurt as much to be away as to be with them.

the only anchor i had was emce. he held me, he comforted even though he didn't understand. he was an emotional anchor for me. he let me cry. he let me be hurt. and the whole time he was there for me., supporting me, giving me advice when i asked for, but mostly listening and being strong. god i needed that.

apologies made, i returned. but have i really? i still feel outside, even more so now. my feelings on the matter were rejected and the fact that i left has caused incredible anger. it wasn't just me...but as far as i know, only two of us came back. and i worry that the separation will remain. if it does, working in this group will be difficult at best. i am not asking for agreement, all i want is understanding. i don't want this held against me forever. how can we move beyond it and grow from it if it is always a thorn in the side? will i be driven out?

add to all this, saxy just went through another emotional crash. he couldn't get drunk. all he could do is hurt and beg for forgiveness. i understand he is sorry, but i cannot be guaranteed that if he came back it wouldn't happen again. emotional abusers often don't know what they are doing. will he see it coming again? i don't know. i don't want to take the chance. i was the woman he loved. but if that was love, i don't want to be his enemy. or perhaps i would prefer that, at least he just avoided them altogether. i wish he could see how it could be so hard for me to accept that "it will never happen again." every promise broken....i can't see this one being that much different.

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