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wednesday 09.27.2000
trust & feelings


i am sitting here making scans of the divorce paperwork because i don't have the change to make photocopies, and i have such mixed feelings. i want to cry. i still love this man. but i gave him all the chances in the world over two years and...nothing changed. he was still distant and hard, sometimes downright cruel to the children. he was so self-centered, our family revolved around what would make him happy (ironically nothing WE could do to make him happy, but we tried). and i have a new man i also love in my life, someone the kids ADORE and who gives them such positive attention. but i sit here ready to cry loving a man who, though a wonderful friend, was an abusive husband.

how stupid is that?

how much pain does it take to stop loving someone?

i didn't have this problem with the first marriage, THAT was actually easy in a way. it was over, emotionally and every other way. much of that had to do with his (abusive) mother. i was just relieved to get out of her controlling grasp. i didn't even file until i was out of the house she owned and into the place i am living now. i didn't dare. i feared if i did, she would throw me and my kids out on the streets, and i just wouldn't take that chance. and it hurt so bad that he wouldn't protect me, and that he kept going to mom for money when it kept digging us deeper. in the end, he was listening to her and not me. my words had no value. it became a marriage between them, i was just the one who slept with him.

the pain of not being heard i still carry with me today. i clearly remember the one time i went too far over the edge over this issue. i had told saxy something, and he swore i hadn't. nothing i said could convince him otherwise. i don't even remember what it was anymore, something minor i am sure. but i lost it. i needed space and he wouldn't leave and i just completely lost control. i could not stop myself from going up the stairs and putting on my shoes to go out, to get away, in my neighborhood at 11:30 or 12 at night. when saxy realized i was serious, near hysterical but serious, he stopped me. and i utterly lost it. i collapsed, i was rocking on the floor, crying, "all i want is to be heard" over and over, unable to breath i was so far gone. i NEVER want to visit that place again. once was once too many.

i know i cannot go back to saxy. there's the abuse, and then there's the trust. my trust, my kids trust, in him is gone. too many promises broken.

i am a rare person. i trust people when i meet them. not because they have earned it, but because they have done nothing to lose it. odd perspective i am sure. most people don't seem to know what to do with me when they first meet me. because i am open, honest with who i am and i trust them. i don't believe in manipulation and lies in any relationship, no matter how brief and "shallow", or how deep. since i believe that we touch everyone we meet in some way, no matter how minor, i don't want to be touching peoples lives with something that is not the real me. whether for good or for bad, whatever small mark i leave in others' lives will be from ME, not a mask i wear, not a game i play, but ME. and trust is a part of this.

however, there is a side affect. it may take a long while, but once that trust is utterly broken, it is gone. it is next to impossible to get back. no one i know who has destroyed my trust in them has ever gotten it back. i can't even tell you why other than when i am with that person, whether a friend or intimate partner, there is always a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of the things done that damaged my trust. and i have tried (and have been trying in one relationship) to tell myself, "but things have changed, the circumstances are different, s/he has changed and grown since then". so far, no luck.

and yet, despite the emotional abuse, despite the broken trust, despite the fact my kids do not want him in the house, despite ALL that, i love him. and while i admit, i do not want that caring for him to go away, i just wish it wasn't so damn strong. i wish i could do what i MUST do without tears.

but i also wish it had been different and that what is happening now never had to be.

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