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wednesday 09.20.2000
time not wasted

my soon to be ex is going through an extremely rough time, and not all of it has to do with me. yes, i am a big part of his depression of recent, but for once yesterday there was an underlying pain, one that he has had for a long time, that resurfaced. my saxy is one version of the male side of the whole abortion issue. seven years ago a woman aborted his baby, a baby he wanted, but for reasons i will not disclose here she could not have. from the day we met on the anniversary of that child's death, he becomes distant and depressed. he grieves for that child very year. he even gave it gender: for him that baby was a girl. and this year she would have been seven. this was brought home to him on monday when he went to see his best friend and her brand new baby daughter. neither of us really thought about the effect it would have on him. we SHOULD have but we didn't. as a result, he snapped on tuesday at work, and then completely fell apart on the phone last night. he needed to. but, as you know, when one thing depresses you severely like that, everything else that is "wrong" with your life is magnified 100 fold. so, of course, in the midst of grieving for his baby girl, he brought the end of our marriage into the whole emotional mess. and during that whole emotional out pouring that he REALLY needed to do, he apologized for something that got me to thinking. he said, "i am sorry for wasting the last couple of years of your life."

i never ever have believed that saxy wasted our time together, or that our time together was a waste. i don't believe that about single moment in my life. there are moments that i wish i could have done differently or considered more wisely, but nothing was ever a waste. i firmly believe that something is distilled out of every single moment we live. it may have been something for us, or that we just NEEDED to do, or it may be that that moment was actually for someone else even though we were a part of it. too many people, in the effort to not "waste" time, rush through life and make sure they are busy getting something, ANYTHING, done. i don't believe that life was meant to be lived that way. true i like to keep busy, but there are times when i do NOTHING of discernible value to anyone, except maybe myself.

i believe we are each brought into other peoples' lives, whether for a long period or a short period, for a purpose. we may not know the purpose, but it is there none the less. what we do, what we say, how we treat others, leaves an indelible mark on their lives, however minute, forever. they are changed, even if we can't see it. we each have lessons to teach, even if we do not know what they are, and we each have lessons to learn. even the briefest of moments is the softest whisper in our soul ever afterward. i know many would disagree with this assessment, but i firmly believe that every experience in my life, every person i have met and who has passed through my life, EVERY moment of my life has made me into what i am today.

including my time with saxy.

no, our marriage hasn't ended on the best of notes for either of us. i think when he gets beyond the depression and loss even he will see that. but as we both get beyond the negative experiences, and grow from the moments we shared together, i think in the end we will see even the hardships as things we needed to go through for whatever reason. good and bad have both become a part of our lives. both have things to teach us. and both make the time we spent together as valuable.

and there was love there too. not always expressed well, but it was there. i love him still. i miss him in some ways, not who he became in the end, but i do miss him. there will always be a place for him in my heart. we had an intense and passionate love, not suited to marriage, but incredible all in and of itself. and love is never wasted.

saxy, our time together was not a waste. please do not apologize for being a part of the whyspered moments that touch my soul and make me who i am. despite it all, my life would be much poorer if you had not been there. and i am honored that i have managed to make a positive whysper in your life.

no...definitely not a waste.

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