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monday 09.11.2000

i am finding that place in my being where i can be content despite what is going on around me. i have been here before, but sometimes circumstances take me out of it. i shouldn't let that happen but it does. when i was with saxy, i know part of it was the empathy. he was discontent, and i picked it up. the kids were unhappy and i picked it up. i am so in touch with how others feel sometimes it is almost painful, and it can be very hard to separate myself from it. when they are not happy i am easily pulled away from that place inside me where, despite the storms of life and my other concerns, i have a foundation of peace, knowing i am doing the right thing and able to bear with what comes because i know it was the right decision.

my first step in finding that place inside me was to finally face up to the fact that saxy and i just weren't going to make it. i needed to make that decision, to dissolve this marriage, for me and for my kids. it took over two years to make it , far too long really, but eventually it was made. i suppose it is a good thing that i generally believe that every experience, good and bad, has something to teach us. like alanis morissette's song "you learn" says,

you live you learn
you love you learn
you cry you learn
you lose you learn
you bleed you learn
you scream you learn

this is life. i am not sure what i learned yet in my time with saxy, but i am sure it is inside somewhere and i will know it when i need it.

the second decision that has helped me to this place is my decision to leave tsf. the pressure there has been more than i bargained for when i went into it. not that i didn't love what i was doing, this was MY baby, my touch in tsf that is more permanent than i will ever be in and of myself. but every time someone quit, i cried. i couldn't keep up any more. when i was so depressed (was that only a few weeks ago?), and came back, the load was just overwhelming. it was too much.

i admit that when i first started making this decision about the inkwell specifically, i hated having to think about it. this is my baby. this is the place that nurtured undiscovered talents. this is the place i learned and grew as a person, more than anyone there will ever know or understand. i want to give back, and to be able to give back through something that was your idea to begin with is just wondrous. but the pain, the struggle to keep up, the sense of being overwhelmed and being unable to do anything about it was too much. i love everyone there, really i do, but i just finally came to the conclusion that my time there is done. we all have places we are meant to be for a certain time, and to drag it out any further is wrong. my time in tsf is done. i don't know how long, but it is done. i feel that...i know that.

over the last few days while trying to find someone to train to take my place, i worried over this decision. would i find someone who would keep it alive and well. will it be ok without me (ok, so that one is a tad egotistical). will i be ok without it. how would everyone take the news. will people hate me. regardless, i knew i had to do this and just let it all fall where it may. now that i have chosen her, i am at peace. the pressure is off, rather than having negative feelings about this upcoming transition, i am content.

it is so nice to be here again.

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Since July 9, 2000

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