i am finding that place in my being where i can be content despite what is going
on around me. i have been here before, but sometimes circumstances take me out
of it. i shouldn't let that happen but it does. when i was with saxy, i know part
of it was the empathy. he was discontent, and i picked it up. the kids were unhappy
and i picked it up. i am so in touch with how others feel sometimes it is almost
painful, and it can be very hard to separate myself from it. when they are not
happy i am easily pulled away from that place inside me where, despite the storms
of life and my other concerns, i have a foundation of peace, knowing i am doing
the right thing and able to bear with what comes because i know it was the right
decision.
my first step in finding that place inside me was to finally face up to the fact
that saxy and i just weren't going to make it. i needed to make that decision,
to dissolve this marriage, for me and for my kids. it took over two years to make
it , far too long really, but eventually it was made. i suppose it is a good thing
that i generally believe that every experience, good and bad, has something to
teach us. like alanis morissette's song "you learn" says,
you live you learn
you love you learn
you cry you learn
you lose you learn
you bleed you learn
you scream you learn
this is life. i am not sure what i learned yet in my time with saxy, but i am
sure it is inside somewhere and i will know it when i need it.
the second decision that has helped me to this place is my decision to leave tsf.
the pressure there has been more than i bargained for when i went into it. not
that i didn't love what i was doing, this was MY baby, my touch in tsf that is
more permanent than i will ever be in and of myself. but every time someone quit,
i cried. i couldn't keep up any more. when i was so depressed (was that only a
few weeks ago?), and came back, the load was just overwhelming. it was too much.
i admit that when i first started making this decision about the inkwell specifically,
i hated having to think about it. this is my baby. this is the place that nurtured
undiscovered talents. this is the place i learned and grew as a person, more than
anyone there will ever know or understand. i want to give back, and to be able
to give back through something that was your idea to begin with is just wondrous.
but the pain, the struggle to keep up, the sense of being overwhelmed and being
unable to do anything about it was too much. i love everyone there, really i do,
but i just finally came to the conclusion that my time there is done. we all
have places we are meant to be for a certain time, and to drag it out any further
is wrong. my time in tsf is done. i don't know how long, but it is done. i feel
that...i know that.
over the last few days while trying to find someone to train to take my place,
i worried over this decision. would i find someone who would keep it alive and
well. will it be ok without me (ok, so that one is a tad egotistical). will i
be ok without it. how would everyone take the news. will people hate me. regardless,
i knew i had to do this and just let it all fall where it may. now that i have
chosen her, i am at peace. the pressure is off, rather than having negative feelings
about this upcoming transition, i am content.
