would someone please explain to me what i am supposed to do here? some days saxy
can be at least somewhat normal in our conversations...practically back to the
person i once knew and loved. it is sad it took me getting to this point for him
to realize the damage done, but we really do seem to be doing ok not living together.
for the most part. then comes those times when i am just at a loss of what to
do with this man! i am really doubting i CAN work with him...not because of any
problems on MY part, but because his depression is just too much. some days its
this overwhelming pressure, his voice is so quiet you can't hear it and it just
seeps through the phone. i don't expect this to be easy for him...but this, to
me, is bordering OBSESSION. he has not picked himself up at all or moved on at
all...he's not even trying. he's wallowing in his misery and pain, kicking himself
in the ass repeatedly, and trying to drag me along with him. this kind of emotional
DOWN was once of the things that told me it was time to get out. it is horrible,
being around this ALL the time. feeling this overwhelming sense of despair and
desperation. it's too much!
on the one hand i find this absolutely irritating. it gets worse when m is over
and his behavior gets down right juvenile. if emce's here and he calls, he
just hangs up. i swear he's calling and hanging up at night, probably to prevent
us from being intimate (i just unplug the phone). and, of course, when confronted
he denies it. but who else would call ONLY on the nights emce is here and
hang up...three or four times before i unplug everything in pure frustration? believe
me, i UNDERSTAND he's depressed, i UNDERSTAND he feels he lost everything. but
this behavior certainly isn't conducive to keeping the friendship he says he wants
to maintain. it is aggravating and frustrating and i feel like he is expecting
me to put my entire life on hold until...well, i guess for him there would be
no until. it would be forever.
on the other hand, i feel for the man. his world has crumbled around him. everything
he took for granted is gone. everything he says he held dear is gone. and YES,
it is his fault. not that i am blameless, but i TRIED to please this man, TRIED
to listen to his needs...when he would tell me, TRIED to make it all work and
bring it all together. and yes, i still care. i cannot turn that off. i can't
let go. i am concerned for him, am concerned for his health and well being. i
want to see him happy, even though i am not the one who can make him happy. believe
it or not i hurt for him too. i have considered, briefly, a few times trying again
to work it out. but i can't. i don't trust the changes in him will STAY. my relationships
with my children would be irrevocably altered for the worse if he came back in
the house. THEY would lose trust in ME. they may not be able to label it as abuse,
but that's exactly what they suffered while he was here. and i will not put them
in that position again. even so, it is hard to let go. to not care.
and i am happy with emce. so we are not at the point of being able to say we are
absolutely committed to one another. we may NEVER get to that point. he is a loner,
always has been, and it is hard for him to be anything else. but i see him trying
for me. FOR ME. saxy tried everything for himself, this man is trying FOR ME.
and i feel...comfortable, safe, protected, cared for when i am with him. i am
content. i don't feel any need to try to make him happy. and last night we had
a talk about where we stand as individuals in this relationship. he feels we are
not that far a part in where we each are, just that i have more conviction than
he does right now. i take that as an encouraging sign.
in all things there is a time to let go, maybe not of the relationship itself,
but of things within it. i think maybe saxy and i both have a lesson to learn
here.