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friday 09.08.2000
letting go

would someone please explain to me what i am supposed to do here? some days saxy can be at least somewhat normal in our conversations...practically back to the person i once knew and loved. it is sad it took me getting to this point for him to realize the damage done, but we really do seem to be doing ok not living together. for the most part. then comes those times when i am just at a loss of what to do with this man! i am really doubting i CAN work with him...not because of any problems on MY part, but because his depression is just too much. some days its this overwhelming pressure, his voice is so quiet you can't hear it and it just seeps through the phone. i don't expect this to be easy for him...but this, to me, is bordering OBSESSION. he has not picked himself up at all or moved on at all...he's not even trying. he's wallowing in his misery and pain, kicking himself in the ass repeatedly, and trying to drag me along with him. this kind of emotional DOWN was once of the things that told me it was time to get out. it is horrible, being around this ALL the time. feeling this overwhelming sense of despair and desperation. it's too much!

on the one hand i find this absolutely irritating. it gets worse when m is over and his behavior gets down right juvenile. if emce's here and he calls, he just hangs up. i swear he's calling and hanging up at night, probably to prevent us from being intimate (i just unplug the phone). and, of course, when confronted he denies it. but who else would call ONLY on the nights emce is here and hang up...three or four times before i unplug everything in pure frustration? believe me, i UNDERSTAND he's depressed, i UNDERSTAND he feels he lost everything. but this behavior certainly isn't conducive to keeping the friendship he says he wants to maintain. it is aggravating and frustrating and i feel like he is expecting me to put my entire life on hold until...well, i guess for him there would be no until. it would be forever.

on the other hand, i feel for the man. his world has crumbled around him. everything he took for granted is gone. everything he says he held dear is gone. and YES, it is his fault. not that i am blameless, but i TRIED to please this man, TRIED to listen to his needs...when he would tell me, TRIED to make it all work and bring it all together. and yes, i still care. i cannot turn that off. i can't let go. i am concerned for him, am concerned for his health and well being. i want to see him happy, even though i am not the one who can make him happy. believe it or not i hurt for him too. i have considered, briefly, a few times trying again to work it out. but i can't. i don't trust the changes in him will STAY. my relationships with my children would be irrevocably altered for the worse if he came back in the house. THEY would lose trust in ME. they may not be able to label it as abuse, but that's exactly what they suffered while he was here. and i will not put them in that position again. even so, it is hard to let go. to not care.

and i am happy with emce. so we are not at the point of being able to say we are absolutely committed to one another. we may NEVER get to that point. he is a loner, always has been, and it is hard for him to be anything else. but i see him trying for me. FOR ME. saxy tried everything for himself, this man is trying FOR ME. and i feel...comfortable, safe, protected, cared for when i am with him. i am content. i don't feel any need to try to make him happy. and last night we had a talk about where we stand as individuals in this relationship. he feels we are not that far a part in where we each are, just that i have more conviction than he does right now. i take that as an encouraging sign.

in all things there is a time to let go, maybe not of the relationship itself, but of things within it. i think maybe saxy and i both have a lesson to learn here.

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