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wednesday 09.06.2000
non-choices


more changes coming up it would appear, but this is me so that's no surprise at all. i can't seem to find a nice even stability that is GOOD. there was stability with saxy, but i wouldn't say it was good stability, it just was...stable. perhaps stability and being able to predict how the future will go is over rated. regardless, i seem to always be surrounded by a bit of chaos, whether i want it or not, and generally find myself in the weirdest situations. welcome to the days of domynoe's life. soap operas move over, reality is moving in and much more interesting.

at any rate, it has been determined that one way or another i must find a job that pays a consistent, timely wage. my hours would be monday through friday, 9 am to 2 pm. nothing else will work. when the kiddos are off track, dad will watch them. i am not looking forward to that at all. not because he's a bad dad or anything, but because he generally has less control over what's going on than anyone else. i have certain things i try to keep consistent in the house, especially with my son. there's just a way to do things. if we all do things the same way, then he gets the idea that's how things are done and doesn't fight it. like going out, for example. when i take him out, or his teacher takes him out, he holds someone's hand and WALKS. when dad is going to take him out the kid is out in the street, having opened the door and raced outside, before dad has even left the building. so i can just imagine what things will be like at home on the days the kids are off track and being watched by dad. however, dad is the ONLY reliable, available person during school hours. since i MUST work, the options here are limited.

another problem has been WHERE to find employment. most of my area is NOT hiring. we are so depressed that even hookers can't find work. (i will say that drugs are running a generally decent biz though, from what i have seen in the area. but i think that's practically a given in almost any city now). my hours make it worse: they are not flexible and i can't do weekends. however, there is one place that may be able to work within these strictures: where saxy works. from what he says they need someone the hours i have available to answer phones and do dispatching. i can answer phones. whether i can dispatch remains to be seen, but i can definitely do phones. i have been told i have a good phone voice and i know i can work with the public. the question everyone is asking is, can i work with saxy? i think so. his fellow employees may not be too pleased with me at the moment, but then they don't know my charming self either. i figure if they don't lynch me and hide the body the first time saxy is either off or out driving i'm in the clear. saxy will get his daily "fix" so to speak, i will have a job...may not be the best job...may not even be the most comfortable job, but i will be making some much needed extra money and hopefully do better on the financial end of things.

sometimes we are presented with choices that aren't choices at all.

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