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wednesday 08.09.2000
undying love

i am sitting here astonished. i probably shouldn't be, but i really am. for someone who has been begging to return to me and pleading his case and declaring his undying love, he certainly is a greedy son of a bitch. any attempt to endear himself to me today was completely thrown out the window. on the one hand, thank you god for small favors. his attempts to convince me of his passion and good intent come across as strong arm tactics that basically sent the message, "i will get what i want one way or another". THAT has been why i have been literally ill the last couple of days. on the other hand, i am just floored at how quickly all attempts fled in the face of money.

that's right, he has lost all sense of love and passion and desire when confronted with money issues. toss in the fact that he wants what's his, period, and all thoughts of his passionate eternal love seem to have fled. i always put him in the overgrown child category somewhere in my mind, but i never imagined he was a 2-year-old in hiding.

so here's the deal. since he has moved in with us, my rent has increased OVER $200 (we're in income based housing). this month the increase was around $150. every single penny of my son's social security went to pay that around the first. now, we also have this little hole in the wall corner store on the corner of our street. up until the time he moved in, i went in there for sweets but not much else, and i only went in when i had the money to actually pay for what i wanted. he moves in and the next thing i know, there is a tab there. so, he comes in to get his stuff today and i tell him, here's his options, either he pays me $200 of the $441 i paid in rent or he pays the corner store the $60. one or the other. the look on his face told me he had NO intention of helping with the rent at all, and he flat out told me he thought we would go in on the corner store 50-50.

is it just me or is this man out of his friggin' mind?

he then says, i thought you had a lot of money coming in. ummm...where? i can't work regular hours because of my son's schedule, assuming anyone would hire me (which they won't...i am not very available). so i have the ssi on the first and somewhere around the 25th OR LATER i get the kids' child support. dominodesigns still does nothing, the first ex-husband has a double car payment this month, so someone tell me where i am going to magic up ANYTHING just to feed the children. on top of that, i need another $120: $50 to pay for my school registration, $40 to pay for the divorce and $30 (give or take) to replace the alarm clock he took. tomorrow, i go to the pawn shop...assuming i have anything worthy of being pawned. it's not even a matter of whether or not i will miss what i give up...i will...but i have to feed my kids.

now add to this, the man forgets the bar-be-que when moving his stuff out of the house today. mind you, i don't know how to manage a bar-be-que, this is not the point. he has left, taken everything else out of the house (which is a hell of a lot more than what he walked in with, and included a new tv, vcr, a stereo, dozens of cds, over $1000 in clothing, most of which I bought when i DID have a sitter, so don't go thinking the financial end of things were entirely his. i spoiled him rotten when we first got together and he KNOWS it). but the some where along the way he remembers the little bar-be-que and he turns all the way around and comes back to pick it up. it's not that i wanted it, but my first thought was "what a greedy selfish son of a bitch".

now...just so you know what I got out of the marriage: 3 years of control freak psychological abuse in a miserable household, several dinners out, 18 months of somewhat financial stability, and a watch.

at least i now have one less child to feed.

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