THANK GOD! his apartment FINALLY came through. (guess all that positive thinking
on your part did the trick!) last night was his last night on the couch, and now
maybe we can just get along with our lives. he has really started to apply the
pressure to let him come back, which is causing more stress and pain than i can
deal with at the moment. i have started getting literally ill to my stomach from
all begging and pressure. his insistence on touching me, hugging me. all i want
is for him to go away. i need room, air. i came so close to just collapsing today.
i made it clear we will NOT be together and i still feel trapped.
i am so suspicious of his motives now, that i honestly am thinking that all this
friendly behavior towards the kids is just another manipulative ploy. get to the
kids and he can get to me. he has been thrown out of this house three times, and
he expects me to believe these changes will last beyond a week or two. well i
don't. i don't believe a word of it and i just wish he would leave us alone. i
am one of those people who generally manage to be friends with old boyfriends.
even with my first ex-husband, we manage a friendship. but at this point, i just
want him to go away.
the real kicker? he thinks i am sick because we are separating. he is totally
unaware of what he is doing to me.
and of course the stress is over flowing into other things. i was dealing with
something else in one of my online groups, something that would normally only
aggravate me, and i was trying not to cry. i tell myself that he, or anyone else,
can only have as much power as you give them. but i am not that thick skinned.
heck, i cry for people i DON'T know. i am a first rate wimp and sap. most of my
friends say that that's not it at all, just that i am really nice and concerned
about others. but i think i just take it all too far. it takes me forever to get
to the point where my caring instincts don't kick in like a gut reaction. hell,
i only have 2 people in the world i hate (both women) and a handful that i may
not hate but certainly can live without. in each case they had to push me for
YEARS before they got on the "i really don't care" list. at this rate,
c will get there in a week or less.
he's gonna pick up the rest of his stuff tomorrow he says. and probably make another
ploy for coming back here. but then he's gone. and if i can get through it without
an emotional melt down i will be free and clear. we can settle back into the happy
routine that we had before i gave him the couch. (ok, i admit it, THAT was a big
mistake.) i want to get back to worrying about bills, strangely enough. maybe
that's not so strange. worrying about bills means i am NOT worried about HIM or
being hassled by him or anything else to do with him.
the scary thing is if i had listened to my closest friends, i could have avoided
this whole thing. love is strange. my friends are wise though. they know i am
stubborn and that if they had pushed the point, more than likely it would have
created a strain in our friendship. so, next time i mention that someone thinks
that a relationship is going to end badly before it even starts, i give you, my
internet friends, permission to slap me if i don't listen. better a little pain
early in the game than a whole lot of hell and pain a few years down the line.