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words count : journeys


.com : .nu

tuesday 08.08.2000
relief in sight

THANK GOD! his apartment FINALLY came through. (guess all that positive thinking on your part did the trick!) last night was his last night on the couch, and now maybe we can just get along with our lives. he has really started to apply the pressure to let him come back, which is causing more stress and pain than i can deal with at the moment. i have started getting literally ill to my stomach from all begging and pressure. his insistence on touching me, hugging me. all i want is for him to go away. i need room, air. i came so close to just collapsing today. i made it clear we will NOT be together and i still feel trapped.

i am so suspicious of his motives now, that i honestly am thinking that all this friendly behavior towards the kids is just another manipulative ploy. get to the kids and he can get to me. he has been thrown out of this house three times, and he expects me to believe these changes will last beyond a week or two. well i don't. i don't believe a word of it and i just wish he would leave us alone. i am one of those people who generally manage to be friends with old boyfriends. even with my first ex-husband, we manage a friendship. but at this point, i just want him to go away.

the real kicker? he thinks i am sick because we are separating. he is totally unaware of what he is doing to me.

and of course the stress is over flowing into other things. i was dealing with something else in one of my online groups, something that would normally only aggravate me, and i was trying not to cry. i tell myself that he, or anyone else, can only have as much power as you give them. but i am not that thick skinned. heck, i cry for people i DON'T know. i am a first rate wimp and sap. most of my friends say that that's not it at all, just that i am really nice and concerned about others. but i think i just take it all too far. it takes me forever to get to the point where my caring instincts don't kick in like a gut reaction. hell, i only have 2 people in the world i hate (both women) and a handful that i may not hate but certainly can live without. in each case they had to push me for YEARS before they got on the "i really don't care" list. at this rate, c will get there in a week or less.

he's gonna pick up the rest of his stuff tomorrow he says. and probably make another ploy for coming back here. but then he's gone. and if i can get through it without an emotional melt down i will be free and clear. we can settle back into the happy routine that we had before i gave him the couch. (ok, i admit it, THAT was a big mistake.) i want to get back to worrying about bills, strangely enough. maybe that's not so strange. worrying about bills means i am NOT worried about HIM or being hassled by him or anything else to do with him.

the scary thing is if i had listened to my closest friends, i could have avoided this whole thing. love is strange. my friends are wise though. they know i am stubborn and that if they had pushed the point, more than likely it would have created a strain in our friendship. so, next time i mention that someone thinks that a relationship is going to end badly before it even starts, i give you, my internet friends, permission to slap me if i don't listen. better a little pain early in the game than a whole lot of hell and pain a few years down the line.

see...i can be taught!

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