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whysper
words count : journeys

domytriesthis

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tuesday 08.08.2000
craziness


ever hear the phrase too little too late? in our house we are suffering from too much too late. all of a sudden saxy is being the person he could have/should have been when we were actually working on our marriage and it is driving me bonkers. i cannot and will not take the chance with him again. he has broken way too many promises. he was sweet like this before, then turned mean after we were married. and i will not put my children or myself into it again. but he sure as hell isn't making it easy. NOW he's paying attention to the kids, NOW he's trying to be considerate of me. and i worry about the effects when he is finally out of here.

he still sleeps on the couch. his apartment is still in a holding pattern apparently, which has him pretty frustrated too. every time he calls there is something they forgot or something they are waiting for or something. they apparently are going to try to get it all cleared up today. i'm not holding my breath and i am not sure he is either. his move in date was friday, his electricity and phone and gas are on, and he can't move in. i have never heard of an apartment complex so badly run that it takes over 2 weeks to at least say "yep you have a place!" apparently this one is being run by a manager and some temps with their heads in the ground. i've seen government offices run better.

in the meantime i am semi-stuck with him on the couch. i could throw him back out but i am just not the type of person who willingly let's someone she knows sleep literally on the streets. but this is truly cramping my style and making me uncomfortable. i don't even want to write here much because he is always hovering over my shoulder. i hate hovering...i really do.

he took the kids with him to go see the place yesterday and asked some pointed questions. i think the answers really shocked him into reality here. the kids pretty much told him straight out he was a cruel person to them. the day before he went and played with a beach ball with them and suddenly realized it doesn't take much to make a kid happy. mind you, i have been telling him this stuff all along, but i have been stupid for our entire marriage i guess. i was pretty smart before we got married. but from the way his attitude towards me changed you'd think all my brains leaked out my ears after we got married. he's finally getting a clue about how self-centered and cruel he was. and now we have all this kindness just flowing from him, along with tears and apologies.

i am not unaffected by all this either. this is the man i THOUGHT i married, come back. i still love him. but i can't take any chances. so now we're both hurting. perhaps that's just his way of being cruel again. he seems to be into giving a lot of pain one way or another. and perhaps THAT is an unfair assessment. i honestly can't say. i just know that even if i do love him, i cannot trust him stay like this. he had 3 years to do this. instead all we got was broken promises and i will not risk going back to that.

so everyone hope that this place gets their act together and that somehow this week saxy can get himself off my couch. i need a bit less complication in my emotional state right now.

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