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saturday 08.05.2000
new pain

i am a fickle woman. no, saxy and i will not be getting together again. i won't risk the pain and oppression that both my kids and myself went through. i just can't go through all that again. and most the time i am strong and stoic about it all. but every once in awhile, the love just surges and i am in pain.

i left because i could not live with him. i left because of broken promises and 4 children who had no shelter in their own home because it was no longer a pleasant place to live. i left because no woman should have to beg for attention, respect, encouragement and emotional support from the man she loves and who supposedly loves her back. i left because i cannot live struggling against the controlling manipulations of a person who is so self-centered that only his needs count. i left because i cannot live in a home that is oppressed and depressed, where laughter seldom is heard, and everything center around the question, "what will he think?" for almost 3 years this was what we were concerned about. don't do that, saxy won't like it. better get that done, saxy will be home soon. better go upstairs before saxy comes home and starts yelling. no, don't give saxy a hug right now. saxy can i have a kiss? saxy, do you hear me? saxy do you even care we are in pain?

i cried on my emce's shoulder last night. saxy now knows we are seeing each other. he called me a fucking bitch. i know it came out of pain...and maybe i deserved it a little. but it is over. am i supposed to spend the next 6 months to a year waiting for this divorce to become final not looking at another man? saxy's hurt came from what he felt was betrayal, "we're still married!" all i could think was, "and you're still trying to control me". he knows there's not a chance i will take the risk with him again, but apparently does not think i should take the risk with anyone else either.

emce and i 'dated' many years ago when he was young. being a father is a scary thing for any man. he ran out of fear, and i understand and forgive him that. but in all the time we have known each other, that was the only pain we have had between us. he has always been considerate. i can go to him with everything. he is not very public with his affection, but in private he is wonderful. and he encourages. he sees what i am doing and gives an honest opinion. he supports...he lets me cry, he helps me think things through. he has always done that. the last 2 mornings he made breakfast without being asked. he has always done stuff like that. always.

when we broke up last, the pain was incredible. no one had treated me so well. NO ONE. over the years i got over the pain. he disappeared for awhile, maybe that helped. and when we reconnected, we picked up our friendship again. not as if nothing had happened, but not as lovers either. we were able to move beyond all that and just be friends. i thought i had worked through all those feeling i had. and i had for the anger and pain. the rest got put away safe somewhere and was thought dealt with. i never expected to feel so strongly again when they had the chance to be released. i thought they had all been dealt with and were faded into memory. boy was i wrong. from what m said last night, he was surprised too...for he was feeling the same way.

how can a woman love two men? i feel like i am in some horrible hollywood tragic romance production. the horrible love triangle where she loves both and cannot be with one for whatever reason. the good news is the one i can be with treats me with love and respect. i still wonder if i was just plain stupid or a glutton for punishment in trying to make things work with saxy for as long as i did. with m, i feel the comfort of someone i know cares, but i am scared too. he is the only man i trust any more. i am so afraid i will lose that too, and then i will have no one.

i was never meant to be alone. my heart yearns too much for connection.

he apologized and we talked today. but the pain was still there, the love was nagging at me. i can tell it no, but i can't seem to tell it to please just go away. this is not to (cannot) be. and even now it still nags at me. all that love is still there, mixed with pain. this is how it has been with him and me for a very long time. and i am so tired of it. i want to turn to the only shelter i feel i have left now. the other man i love.

having your life imitate art is not a comfortable thing.

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