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wednesday 08.02.2000
too soft

yes, we're still alive! a bit worn, but doing MUCH better. it has just been a busy week for me and the much going on and so many things needing attention. i thought about whyspered moments often but in general all i could manage was some quick posts over at me at midnight. and when your isp is constantly fritzing on you it's even harder to get things done! been a bad isp week, i'll tell you!

saxy is still hanging around...some what. the man had no place but the street, and i, being the kind, generous person i am, told him he could sleep on the couch as long as he understood that a) this does NOT mean our marriage is saved, b) he leaves the kids alone, and c) he finds a place by his next check to take himself and his stuff. that check is friday and he is having a heck of a time getting an apartment. so far he has had a credit check deposit at this one place for about a week, and they keep saying call back tomorrow. this was his week for incredibly shitty stuff happening. between me and the 9-year-old $500 jaywalking ticket from L.A. (he was initially told to check on it for the first year since they didn't have it in their database, then forget it...well, they have it now!) he is not having a good week.

the kids and i are still doing well. he's not allowed over too early (so he has to entertain himself after work until 8:30 pm or so), and they KNOW he no longer has any power over them. it is so nice to see them happier and smiling and to have such a NICE atmosphere in the house now! so at least having him on the couch isn't making the place all tense again. however, he is REALLY getting on my nerves. he hovers. he watches as i work (consequently i am in bed no later than 11pm all of a sudden, much earlier than my usual 2 am). he apologizes constantly. HE'S STILL CALLING ME WHEN HE'S AT WORK!

ok, yes, i realize the guy is in pain. honest. in a small way i feel for him. BUT i am getting tired of hearing how sorry he is. i don't need to know he didn't sleep last night, or the night before that. i don't need to hear over and over how much a screw up he is for losing such a good thing and how miserable he is over it. just the fact that i have been happier the last week and a half than i have in over TWO YEARS tells me this is the right decision. seeing my kids smile and laugh and play and enjoy themselves in their own home is MORE than enough to confirm that this is right for me and my kids. NOTHING he says now could ever make me want to go back, not promises (all of them will only be broken anyway), not whining about life, not trying to make me feel sorry for him, and not trying to convince me he realizes how badly he screwed up. use all the lessons learned with someone else, buddy, there isn't a chance in hell you'll get to use them with us. it's over and done with for me. and i will not walk there again, no matter how much you bewail your loss.

i am even a bit less stressed. despite the fact that we will be hand to mouth and paying bills will be a nightmare experience, i am LESS stressed than when he was here. i FEEL better. we may be poor, but we are happy!

and there is a wonderful man who i dated almost 10 years ago interested. THIS hasn't hurt the self-esteem AT ALL. :) i am sure you are wondering, "IF he's so wonderful, why did you split 9 years ago?" plain and simple, kids...him included. he is a good 10 years younger than i am and at the time being the father of children, even his own children, was just too much too handle. i am sure most women will nod their heads in agreement when i say a man under 30 is not yet really a man. commitment and children are just too frightening for those youngsters. hell, most men OVER 30 have trouble with commitment and kids, so we certainly shouldn't expect the 20ish set to be much better. however, despite this, we were together for around 18 months, and he was very sweet to me. and we have maintained our friendship ever since.

this is a person i trust. i have talked to him about things i could/can talk about with no one else. he doesn't always give advice, but is always willing to listen. he never really liked saxy, but kept his mouth shut even when i was ranting and raving about him. and despite his youthful unease about being suddenly daddy, i think he'd make a very good daddy. he always would play with them and pay attention when they were talking. it is no wonder the kids like him too.

perhaps it seems a bit soon to be already considering another man. but, as i have told saxy, i have moved on even faster than i thought possible. the decision was made, i am happy with it and comfortable with myself again. there's no indecision here. and if an opportunity to date comes along tomorrow, and i like the opportunity that's knocking, i'll take it. i guess, more than anything else, that is a sign of how ready i was for this change. but then, i always knew it was coming.

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