well, he is out of the house. thursday night i told him it isn't working, it is over. i cried some, but for the most part was calm. no protestations, no arguments, none of the usual screaming. just...an end. i came downstairs and felt, calm. no more tears. the decision had been made. i didn't sleep. i was afraid if i went upstairs and went to bed he would try to hold me and beg forgiveness yet again. and our living room couch is a nightmare. so i stayed up. on the computer or reading. when he got up to get ready for work and pack what he could, there was a little more talking, not much, a few more tears, again not much. the middle and youngest girls were awake and got to say good-bye. then he was gone. the youngest went upstairs and threw up. after that she was fine. the middle girl went to school looking depressed.

but everything after that was so much different than what i expected.

because of a leak i decided to move furniture around to protect the computers from said leak. i also decided it would be best to pack all saxy's stuff for him, for a couple of reasons, first most being i don't want the delay of "i am working and have no time" to be an issue. i also don't need him to be here any longer than necessary when getting his stuff. there is a different atmosphere in the house now and i like it and i want to keep it that way. so if i pack, all he has to do is come get his stuff (the amount of which is amazing me at this point). so i asked kitten to help me with all this. she was pretty quiet at first. no complaints and just helping me make a wreck of the living room as we moved, packed, moved more, tossed stuff here and there, pulled computers apart, put them together again and everything else. then it happened.

she smiled.

my daughter was working and giving a real honest to goodness smile! and i realized i hadn't seen that in a long time. youngster, who had thrown up, was fine for the rest of the day. then middle girl came home from school and she wasn't depressed anymore and more than willing to help dig in and clean up and pack. she was so eager, she kept trying to move to the next item on the list before we were ready for the next item on the list. the only one having any problem at all is taz, my da son. and for him i think it is more of a routine interruption than anything else. so with three kids accepting this and actually seeming to welcome it, i am astonished. maybe i shouldn't be. this sums it all up in a nutshell: jewel found a 'family award for best stepfather' that kitten had made for him and showed it to her. kitten's comment: "so? he didn't give a rat's tail about it." and the page was promptly thrown out.

in the space of 48 hours things in this house have changed dramatically. we aren't uptight and tense any more. the whole atmosphere is so relaxed now. oh i still have rules in place. my kids will tell you i am still fairly strict. the difference was that i am strict where it counts, he was strict with everything. i think they feel the house is there's again now too. they have been downstairs a lot today. something he didn't like. they got their chores done without argument. we all have laughed and played a bit today. i know it won't be this ay everyday, but it is like there is a giddiness in release. and we all feel it...and it feels so GOOD.

i am not a hard, callous bitch. but last night, i got to read a book in my bed before i went to sleep and got to go to sleep without somebody snoring in my ear. i slept for 8 hours. and i woke up in a house that finally felt like a HOME. whatever else comes, things are better than what they were. and i am thankful.