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thursday 07.20.2000
rollercoaster's end?

i do not know if i have made a decision. i think i have. i know i need to. the ups and downs, well more downs than ups, have got to stop, for me and for my kids. it's scary really is.

when i met saxy, over 3 years ago, he was sweet and kind and considerate. oh, there were problems, but no one is ever going to be 100% perfect, and they didn't seem that big. except the jealousy. and it didn't seem like a BIG deal of jealousy, except once. we talked about it later, fought over it (he got a taste of one of my faults: my rip roaring temper), and then it was let go. he tended to be quiet, wasn't all that social really, but he and i had great times. and while he wasn't overly warm with the kids, i chalked that up to inexperience. he told me he liked them, they told me they liked him, so i figured all that would work out in time.

man, have i ever been wrong.

i have heard of people like this, just never had the pleasure of having one in my life so constantly. they are sweet and kind and caring, doing all the right things, saying all the right things. then somewhere along the line something changes. you become a serious item, or, in our case, get married, and the person you are with is no longer the person you thought you were with. and this has nothing to do with love and rose colored glasses. this is a personality change, sometimes gradual, sometimes instantaneous, that makes you wonder just WHO it was you were seeing before now.

and that is where i stand with saxy right now. see that, i still call him by his nickname. i still love this man who is making my life and my kids' lives miserable. he is not, and probably never will be, to me. he is saxy. but he is not the saxy i gave the name to. he comes home, i have to beg a kiss from him. he goes to bed and i don't get a hug, but i get a peck on the lips for a kiss. i'm lucky if we make love once in a week in a half and it's almost always on his terms - when HE'S in the mood. i told him about school and his FIRST response was, "well, that may not work right?" he's never once, since we got married, said to me, "if it makes you happy, then go for it." he doesn't compliment me, tell me he loves me (well, except after sex). his idea of spending time together and being a couple is going out to movies and dinner and stuff. and now that we can't do it because of money, we do nothing, except maybe watch tv (but i can't talk during tv, that is bad). all the closeness we had has evaporated. we just live together and occasionally have sex.

as for the kids, well out of site out of mind seems to be his policy. they have tried to engage him, no luck. they try to show him their work and all he does is say ok (with out looking at it) and try to shoo them away. he won't give the oldest a hug unless she begs. the others are upstairs ALL the time if it's up to him. i let them go out back and he finds a reason to complain. the oldest thinks he hates her. odd thing is, they don't want him to go either. perhaps having even a cranky daddy at home is better than no daddy at home?

obviously i am insane. i really should have ended this ages ago. i tried. or i thought i tried. i have made it clear repeatedly that i can't live like this. things change for a few weeks then he goes back to the same old crap. and those changes are minor at best. i have not seen the same sweet, kind, considerate person that i was dating in a very long time. not even close. he got a lot out of this marriage though, so now he can be miserable on his own but with lots of STUFF. he claims to be happy, and maybe he is. but then he is a person happy in misery, because it has not been good between us in a long time. it has been a struggle. it has been 2 people living in the same house with little to say to each other or do together. it has been fighting, depression, more fighting, maybe a few days of calm, then back to fighting. it has been me having to step in and telling him to stop being a jerk to the kids. there are few times that even remotely resemble being up or happy, and most of those are with out the kids around.

nope, can't live this way any more. just hope my wishy-washy in love little heart can hold firm this time. love doesn't conquer all.

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Since July 9, 2000

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