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Dragon Star II:
The Dragon Token
by Melanie Rawn


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saturday 06.17.2000
friendship genderlines

once again i have in some way managed to take a really good friendship to a "not so close but we're still friends" friendship. how? no clue. we used to talk about things in our lives, personal things. we didn't always agree (not that i expect that in any relationship), and we have had our share of fights (which i do expect in every relationship), but, up till recently, we have always managed to be good friends and. what happened? no clue. she hasn't told me of anything i have done. in fact she hasn't told me much of anything. it's all chit chat. kinda like "how's the weather?" but more specific to the situation.

i have always had trouble making and keeping female friends. i totally ruined one my most cherished friendships at the end of high school. yes, i know what i did in that situation, even apologized for it later. didn't matter. that friendship will never recover. in the more than 15 years we have been out of high school we have grown too far apart.

that hasn't happened with this other friendship. it seemed one day we were talking about deep personal stuff and the next it happened no more.

i really do want a close female friend. but i have never been able to have one for any extended length of time. i can always rationalize that our lives just get in the way, but there are too many other women with busier lives who manage to have that friend that they share everything with for that to hold a whole lot with me. i am too honest with myself in that respect. i could say it is the other women who are the problem...but then i have to ask: ALL of them? the one consistent factor is me. so it must be something in me that's doing it. but i really can't figure out what it is. it is depressing, and it hurts. something goes wrong, but i have no clue what it is so i can't even fix it for the next attempt.

i don't seem to have this problem with men. most of my friends are men. and while they may not always agree with my perspective or choices, they will at least listen and sometimes even share. not saying they get really deep about their lives, men rarely do. but there is often more of a connection in our conversations. unlike women, men either like me or hate me. it's not a gradual warm-up kind of thing. as with women, there seems to be levels to the friendships: the acquaintance, the pal around, and the brother. but unlike women, if we don't start somewhere between the acquaintance and the pal around, we never will get there. with women, the relationship can just grow on you, even if we aren't too sure we liked each other to begin with. that has never happened with a man. while my relationships with men can deepen over time, they go nowhere if we aren't sure we like each other to begin with.

i had one friend suggest once that maybe women are threatened by my relationships with men. i doubt it. for one, most the women i know have a number of male friends, and more than a few are married. and even if this applied to real life, it certainly doesn't apply to the internet. we all don't get together in groups for other women to feel any kind of threat with me and men. heck, we hardly talk about men other than the current ones in our lives. but just in case some of you are threatened, don't be. i won't be moving to your area any time soon to steal the men around there.

maybe one day one of these women will tell me exactly what it is i do that makes them close down on me and drift away. i would really like to know. i may not fix it, but at least then i would have a reason for why my friendships with women seem to disintegrate without any warning. i like myself as i am, but i still try to improve and change everyday. if it's something i can't fix, then at least i can learn to accept it. but even that is denied me at the moment. at least men will tell me what they are uncomfortable with, if we are on speaking terms at all. just wish the ladies would give me the same courtesy.

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Since July 9, 2000

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